Rigidly defined areas of Doubt and Uncertainty!

Rubik cube solution

2011-01-24T00:35:00.001Z

Click the image to enlarge

Did you know that the inventor of the Rubik's Cube was an architect?
Via: FIXR.COM

Life: Explained

2009-12-22T21:05:00.001Z

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.

I Had A Shoggoth

2009-07-31T12:05:00.001Z

The looniest laws in the world

2009-05-27T23:30:00.000Z

Here's a look at some of the more unusual laws you'll find in countries around the world, along with a few from closer to home which show that our own law-makers aren't immune to the odd brainstorm either...

In the UK:

If someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your commode, you must let them in.

It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.

Placing a postage stamp with the Queen's head on it upside down is considered treason.

It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour.

It is illegal to die while in the Houses of Parliament.

In Carlisle, Scots found wandering around can be whipped or jailed.

In York, Scots can still be legally shot with a bow and arrow, except on Sundays.

In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public, except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.

In London, commuters on the tube can be fined £2 for not queuing.

In Scotland, it is against the law in Scotland to be drunk in possession of a cow.

In Scotland, it is illegal for a boy under the age of 10 to see a naked mannequin.

In Canada:

In Alberta, if you are released from prison, you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse so you can ride out of town.

In King County, it is illegal to sit on a man's lap on the metro unless he is your husband.

In America:

In Alabama, it is illegal to buy a bag of peanuts after sunset and before sunrise the next day.

In Arkansas, a man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

In California, it is against the law to set a mousetrap without a hunting licence.

In Florida, owners who leave elephants at parking meters must pay the same fee as for a vehicle. And only married women are allowed to parachute on a Sunday.

In Iowa, after making love, men are not allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with their partner or holding them in their arms.

In Massachusetts, mourners are not allowed to eat more than three sandwiches each at a wake.

In Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal red-blooded male."

In Minnesota, it is illegal to pass a cow in Pine Island District without tipping your hat.

In New York, having sex with a porcupine is illegal.

In Oklahoma, anyone found making ugly faces at a dog can be fined, arrested or jailed.

In Wisconsin, it is illegal for a man to fire a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

In Pueblo, Colorado, it is illegal to let dandelions grow.

In Hartford, Connecticut, it's illegal to educate a pet dog.

In Utah, garden birds have the right of way on all roads, and having sex in an ambulance is banned.

In Illinois, it's illegal to sit by a fish pond in your pyjamas.

In Sarasota, Florida, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit, and women may be fined for falling asleep under a hairdryer.

Elsewhere in the world:

In Belgium it is illegal to wear a red hat while walking down the main street.

In France it is illegal to kiss on railways.

In Germany, every office must have a view of the sky.

In Israel, there is no legal way for a man named Cohen to marry a divorced woman.

In Italy a man may be arrested for wearing a skirt.

In Norway it is illegal to kill a mouse unless for consumption.

In Russia, you are not allowed to drive a dirty car.

In South Korea, traffic police are required to report all bribes that they receive from motorists.

In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself while standing up after 10pm.

In Thailand, it's illegal to drive without wearing a shirt.

Teachers

2009-04-20T19:57:00.002Z

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Salary Theory

2009-04-07T14:22:00.000Z

A New Theorem on Salary states:

Engineers, Teachers, Programmers and Scientists can never earn as much salary as business executives and sales people.

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following three postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power (Knowledge=Power)

Postulate 2: Time is Money (Time=Money)

Postulate 3 (as every Physics student knows): Power = Work/Time

It therefore follows: Knowledge = Work / Time

and since Time = Money,

we have: Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches Zero, Money approaches Infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make

The Chauffeur

2009-03-07T18:07:00.000Z

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

(Remember, he's German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

Random Images

2009-02-07T11:54:00.002Z

Seeing-eye dogs

2009-01-31T13:37:00.001Z

Two guys are out taking their dogs for a walk and stroll past the neighbourhood watering hole.

The first guy suggests they stop in for a quick drink before heading back home.

The second guy points out the obvious, no bar is going to let dogs in so they might as well forget it and head back home.

The first guy says, "Wait here a minute, then follow my lead."

After the first guy makes it into the bar without incident, the second guy follows suit.

When challenged by the door man the second guy says, "I am blind and this is my seeing-eye dog."

The door man incredulously replies, "You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?"

To which the second guy answers, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

Camomile Tea?

2008-12-18T21:01:00.003Z

ACTUAL COLLEGE THEME PAPER - HEY I COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca -last name deleted, and Jim - last name deleted.

------------------------------------------------------------

STORY:
(First paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

-----------------------------------------------------

(Second paragraph by Jim)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his trans- galactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

--------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough fire-power to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium
fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

---------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)
Bitch.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
Wanker.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)
slut.

---------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)
Eat shit.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

----------------------------------------------------------

(Jim)
Go drink some tea - whore.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Teacher)
A+ I really liked this one.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA

2008-12-13T01:09:00.000Z

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

Great quotes by comedians

2008-12-10T22:50:00.000Z

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
  --Bobcat Goldthwait

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout.  That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
  --Kevin Meaney

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
  --Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?  Do tall
people burn slower?"
  --Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
  --Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
  --John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a  second."
--Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
  --Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
  --Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
  --Winston Spear

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
  --Sue Murphy

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
  --Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else."
  --Lily Tomlin

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
 --David Letterman

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is  still
far away."
 --Billiam Coronell

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
  --Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
  --Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive.  Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'"
  --Jerry Seinfeld

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
  --Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
  --Bruce Baum

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
  --Garry Shandling

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
  --Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
  --Paul Rodriguez

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
  --Lynda Montgomery

New Boss

2008-11-23T12:41:00.001Z

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?” Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make £300.00 a week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy £300 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

Story of the Cheating Woman

2008-11-23T12:20:00.001Z

I’ll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago: I got a vasectomy. I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the “I’m pregnant” talk. She’s going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married “for the baby”. She’s positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she’s gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I’m just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse “oops” on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can’t think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to “think about all this.” I meet her again. I say I don’t want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batsh*t insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I’m laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a “negative test result for sperm” to show I’m sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I’m ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She’s all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. “Are you sure that this baby is mine?”

Well, she goes batsh*t insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she’s really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she’s a slut. I’m just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities… blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I’m not really mad. I’m kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won’t shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, “You’re screwed”.

Her look doesn’t change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. “I am sterile”

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women’s logic. “You’re full of sh*t. You’re trapped and you know it.”

I hold up the letter and the test results. “Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine.”

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. “Bullsh*t, those are fakes.”

I was ready for that. “No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It’s a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine.”

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It’s a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

More Blonde Jokes

2008-09-16T20:12:00.002Z

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right. Okay. I will keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful then the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

*****

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, uttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."

Get out of the car!

2008-09-12T17:15:00.000Z

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car; found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried, and then realised why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment ... make it memorable.

Wrong Number?

2008-09-03T18:19:00.000Z

It was another boring Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television (in the hopes that I would be entertained) when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

A girl's voice came over the line.

"Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number. Of course, it was also a dull evening, even for Indiana.

"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end...a confused silence. I had a live one.

"Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well...he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I must have sounded a lot more like Steve than I had thought.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with." (I've seen Fletch several times).

"I know that! I mean....who is she?" (She must have seen Fletch, too....Or is that Fletch Too? Whatever..)

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes...please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. Now would be a good time to call an end to the charade.

"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded this time. "WHO'S JENNIFER?!"

Apparently she wasn't.

"Well...he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry...it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that ALICE called him and that she's VERY UPSET and that I would LIKE HIM to CALL ME as SOON AS HE GETS HOME."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will...but Becky isn't going to like this..."

"BECKY?!?!?"

"*click*"

Tech Support

2008-08-19T14:33:00.001Z

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 no longer run , crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
____________ _________ _________ ________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Best "Out of Office" Auto Replies

2008-08-18T20:20:00.002Z

Email inefficiency is probably a major contributor to the technology Stress that some of us experience. My friends and I have often joked, sometimes seriously, about clever auto-responders to help filter the daily load. Here’s a couple of funny ones that I, ironically, got in a junk email:

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor’s having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 14/8. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ” Sharon ” instead of “Steve”.

Ask a Stupid Question

2008-08-18T20:16:00.000Z

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b*tch...why else would I buy dog food??

The 10 Best Kitchen Implements For Fighting Off a Ninja

2008-08-15T09:57:00.002Z

These utensils are imperative to use to defend yourself from the spontaneous attack of a ninja in your kitchen.

1. The Spatula
The spatula is a cunning weapon. It gives extra reach and allows you to slap the Ninja repeatedly in the face. Ninja's have an aversion to being slapped. It offends their sense of masculinity and may help to undermine their confidence.

Warning: It may also help to aggravate them. Expect an increase in the ferocity of their attack. So duck and slap and duck again really fast.

2. The Chopping Board
The wooden chopping board is invaluable when defending your self from a Ninja attack. Ninja have a propensity for using throwing stars, nasty if they hit you. But the wooden chopping board, when used as a shield will quickly mop up his supply.

Warning: Do not discard your chopping board too quickly. Ninja are known for being sneaky individuals. He may yet have a star or two hidden up his sleeve. Be Patient.

3. The Mop
The Mop is an excellent weapon for dealing with attacking Ninja's. Holding the shaft firmly in your hand wave the mopping end vigorously in the Ninja's face. As Ninja's are Japanese, their oldest enemies are the Chinese and the Chinese warriors carried spears with tassels placed just below the stabbing end. Somewhere deep in his subconscious the Ninja will believe he is fighting a truly worthy warrior and may just give up and go home.

Warning: The Ninja just might be able to hold onto the idea that you are not in fact a Chinese warrior but are in fact just a man with a mop. Still the mop will come in handy after the fight for cleaning up the blood.

4. Plates
Plates are handy for a fight in a kitchen because there tend to be lots of them around. Throw the plates at the Ninja in quick procession. Not only may you hit him with them but the plates will break when they hit the floor and due to a Ninja's inadequate foot ware there is a good chance he will get splinters in his feet. (ouch)

Warning: Ninja's are trained to dodge throwing stars so your chances of actually hitting him are pretty poor. And don't use your best china.

5. Knives
There are plenty of knives to choose from in the average kitchen. But don't go for the stylish little steak knives. Go for the cleavers, (in this situation bigger is better) bread knives are also good too but it can be a bit difficult getting your Ninja to keep still long enough for you to saw through his arm.

Warning: Ninja's are trained swords men and no matter how big your knife you can be sure he will have a bigger one.

6. Forks
Okay we are clutching at straws here. The Fork is not a great attack weapon but it can be good as a defensive weapon. When the Ninja attacks with his sword try and catch the blade between the forks prongs then twist the handle of the fork sharply. If your Ninja has bought his sword at a discount store it may snap.

Warning: catching a blade that is coming at your rather quickly between the prongs of as fork may take a bit of practise and you only have so many limbs spare to get it right.

7. The Frying Pan
We are back on a more solid footing here. The Frying pan is both a good attacking weapon as well as a defensive one. It can block most weapons at the Ninja's disposal and it makes a great noise when you hit someone in the head with it. Block, strike and block again, marvellous.

Warning: In order to attack with a frying pan you really do have to get very close to the Ninja. Getting close to an attacking Ninja is not really a great idea as they have many small sharp objects that they just love to stick into people that invade their personal space.

8. The Cooker
A gas cooker is best used in this attack. First you have to get the cooker on. So while dodging and ducking first turn on the gas, then light it. Do not try to do both of these things at the same time. Ninja's are quick, you might be surprised just how quick and you will need both your arms for the next bit. Then while distracting the Ninja with some cleaver finger puppetry guide him to the cooker and trick him into putting his arm, or even better his head into the flames (going for the head should only be attempted by true experts).

Warning: Not all Ninja's are enthralled by finger puppetry and if your first attempts at it don't impress him move on quickly, don't keep trying it, this will only bore the Ninja and he will quickly remember why he is there.

9. Salt and Pepper
We are now down to chemical warfare. It may be banned by the UN but you may not time to read the fine print in the rules of war documentation supplied to warring factions to worry about this. Salt is for the eyes (his, not yours) and the pepper is for the nose. The salt will quickly blind your Ninja attacker and the pepper will wreak havoc with his breathing. Don't spend too much time trying to apply these chemicals with precision. A broad application to the general face area will suffice.

Warning: Ninja's ware face masks, so the pepper may not quite hit the mark. And if you miss with the salt you probably won't get another chance.

10. Cooking oil
This works best if you have stone tiles laid in your kitchen. If you don't do not under any circumstances try any lay them while under attack, it's a messy and time consuming task. Apply the oil vigorously to the floor and then run away. The Ninja will come after you as surely as a dog will chase a ball and with any luck slip on the oil and hit his head upon you stone tiles.

Warning: Ninja's are very good jumpers and may jump over the oil. If this happens and you have now left the kitchen you are in real trouble because this guide only deals with attacks in the kitchen and has no advice for you once you have left it. So only use oil if you are sure it will work. Perhaps you could check if your attacking Ninja has a bit of a limp and is less likely to be able to make the jump.

Quick Thinking Electrical Engineer

2008-08-13T09:42:00.003Z

My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage stuff in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I'm able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with mundane explanations, but yesterday she very nearly got me fired.

Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed in interest in my work
(electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned.

We arrived at my workbench, where I am currently trying to figure why the board on which I am working is not performing the way it is designed. "Is this where you work?" she asked.

"At the moment," I replied. I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge black studded collar she had produced from her purse. Before I could blink (it's amazing
the speed at which she can do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the 6 foot jack chain to the centre of the bench (where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to her in utter disbelief, mouth agape.

"I'll be back for you at five," she said.
"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!??!?!" I yelled in a hushed voice. "How the hell am I going to explain this!?!?!"
"You'll think of something," she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage, "you always do."
"But suppose I have to go to the bathroom," I countered.
"Don't give me that", she hissed, "I've seen you go a whole day without visiting the bathroom."
"But...." I tried to say.
"SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye"

She turned around and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think of who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going
to do if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a military time weenie). "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a heavy sigh, and got to work, such as I could.

As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be hard not to) and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would do if my supervisor saw it. I told them I hadn't the faintest idea.

One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get such a collar), settled down to work in silence.

After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem with the board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me, reading my thoughts, for not two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrow-minded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again funda-
mentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs.

His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all it's splendour. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr. Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to
walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar. Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was going to have seizures stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.

Finally, he spoke.

"What. the. HELL! is. THAT!?!?!"

I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until I was saying it. I'm even more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me on the spot.

I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat.

"Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work.

The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.

A Shy Guy Goes Into a Bar

2008-08-12T23:48:00.000Z

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "200 POUNDS? YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!"

Ultimate Beatbox

2008-08-11T14:26:00.003Z

The Young Professor

2008-08-10T21:37:00.001Z

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully
into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"*Anything*."

His voice softens. "*Anything*??"

"*Anything*."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

Why Men Make Better Friends Than Women

2008-08-10T19:47:00.001Z

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her Husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Choosing a Wife

2008-08-10T15:51:00.001Z

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one £5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you, because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the £5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

Children

2008-08-02T13:48:00.002Z

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mum good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mum asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mum will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mum, what is butt dust?'

Spread the smiles

Random Signs

2008-07-30T16:20:00.001Z

The Greatest Retort of All Time

2008-07-30T16:18:00.001Z

Perhaps the most celebrated retort in the history of wit occurred in a famous exchange between two 18th century political rivals, John Montagu, also known as the Earl of Sandwich, and the reformist politician, John Wilkes. During a heated argument, Montagu scowled at Wilkes and said derisively, “Upon my soul, Wilkes, I don’t know whether you’ll die upon the gallows, or of syphilis” (some versions of the story say “a vile disease” and others “the pox”). Unfazed, Wilkes came back with what many people regard as the greatest retort of all time:

“That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles, or your mistress.”

Why maths is important

2008-07-27T11:34:00.001Z

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to so! meeting like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life is dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give one the finger? ...... I think not.

Creepy

2008-07-15T00:15:00.002Z

Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846
John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln

Both were assassinated by Southerners
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939

Both assassins were known by their three names
Both names are composed of fifteen letters

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named ‘Ford’
Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘Lincoln’, made by ‘Ford’

Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials

Elephants Never Forget

2008-06-08T22:10:00.003Z

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Photography

2008-03-04T19:54:00.007Z

Random Pics

2008-03-04T19:45:00.003Z

40 Things That Only Happen In The Movies

2008-02-22T18:51:00.002Z

Did you ever notice that certain things only happen in the movies, but never happen in real life? For example:

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

Coding

2008-02-09T13:27:00.000Z

I was coding for a software company that landed a contract to fix a problem a wireless company was having. This wireless company had their own team of sw engrs that spent months trying to fix the problem but to no avail. My manager hands me a copy of the code and after 5 minutes of testing, I locate and fix the problem.

ME: It's fixed.

My Manager: WHAT?! Already? What was wrong with it?

ME: The GUI was polling the wireless card at 10 Hz and bogging down it's CPU. I slowed it down to 2 Hz and since the GUI updates at 1 Hz the user will never know a difference.

My Manager: No shit? and they had a team of software guys working for two months and they couldn't fix it.

ME: Yeah.. didn't you bid on an hourly basis? This means we would charge them for maybe 8 hours since I had to install code and hardware to test it and find the problem.

My Manager: Well.. let's not be hasty.. run some tests.. make sure everything is ok.. uh...

ME: Gotcha.. say two weeks at 60 hours a week worth of testing?

My Manager: yeah..something like that.

Rules of Life

2008-01-26T00:57:00.000Z

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Exam Answer 2

2008-01-03T17:08:00.000Z

..."Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected. I read the examination question:

"SHOW HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO DETERMINE THE HEIGHT OF A TALL BUILDING WITH THE AID OF A BAROMETER."

The student had answered, "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring the rope up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."

The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this.

I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he had not written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on.

In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read: "Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^^2, calculate the height of the building."

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. While leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.

"Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building."

"Fine," I said, "and others?"

"Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units."

"A very direct method."

"Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."

"On this same tact, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".

"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem.

Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer."

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.

The student was Neils Bohr and the arbiter was Ernest Rutherford.

Steve

2008-01-01T13:19:00.000Z

Steve was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Steve how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Steve and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Steve! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Steve's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Steve that he thinks Steve's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Steve says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Steve says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Steve on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Steve, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Steve, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Steve. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Steve and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Steve says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Steve emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Steve returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Steve asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Steve?"

Pest Control

2007-12-31T11:27:00.000Z

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there!?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said... "Those little bastards!"

A Blonde

2007-12-20T21:43:00.000Z

A blonde was sitting in first class on a non-stop flight from Los Angeles to New York. The stewardess came up and asked her if she had a ticket for first-class and the blonde replied, "No, I don't." The stewardess then told her that, since she didn't have a ticket for first-class, she would have to move into the coach section farther back. The blonde got very offended and told the stewardess, "I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I am going to New York to get a top-notch modeling job. I'll sit where I damn well please."

The stewardess was not sure how to handle this, so she went to the front of the plane and explained the situation to the co-pilot. The co-pilot went back and told the blonde that she would have to move. The blonde replied, "I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I am going to New York to get a top-notch modeling job. I'll sit where I damn well please."

The co-pilot was at a loss, so he went forward and explained the problem to the pilot. The pilot asked, "She's blonde?" The co-pilot answered that yes, she was. The pilot then said, "Well, my wife's blonde. Maybe I can reason with the lady." He went back to where the blonde was seated, leaned over and whispered something in her ear. The blonde said, "Oh, really?" then got up and moved back into the coach section of the airplane.

Well, the stewardess and the co-pilot were stunned. So they asked the pilot how in the world had he gotten the blonde passenger to move without a word of argument. The pilot answered, "Simple. I just told her that first class wasn't going to New York."

The Perfect Couple

2007-12-16T11:51:00.000Z

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen either.

A Bible Review from Amazon

2007-12-10T17:43:00.000Z

106 of 144 people found the following review helpful:

A ripping tale of good, evil, betrayal , redemption, etc., 16 Nov 2005

By A Customer

This book is shrouded in mystery and controversy. It centres around a jewish man called Jesus, perhaps the Son of God, apparently born about 2,000 years ago of a virgin called Mary. Jesus grows up - the story recounts very little of his childhood days - and becomes well versed in Jewish religion. He claims special powers, preaches about universal love and forgiveness of one's enemies, is recognised by his followers as the Son of God come to fulfil his father's law, but eventually winds up Jewish elders after a heated episode in the Temple who not long after hand him over to the Roman's for crucifixion. The Roman's crucify him, he dies, is put in a cave, but three days later, so the story goes, he comes back to life and gets out. He goes back and sees his friends and followers, hanging around for a while before going back home to his father who lives in heaven.
Thats the gist of it, but the problems start with the fundamental question of who wrote it. Some people called Christians who rather like this story say that God wrote it about his Son Jesus. But that is difficult to believe as there are clearly four versions of the story, all a bit different, written by four men called Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. At times the story gets a bit repetitious, and one suspects that Matthew, Mark and Luke copied their stories from one earlier unnamed source. The version by John is a bit more mystical and fanciful and departs from the narrative of the other three authors a little too much for my liking.

Another problem has to do with whether this book is God's final word as the Christian's who love this book would have it. They believe it is part two of a two volume set (the first part of which is known as the Torah and which is also dictated by God to a man called Moses - those who prefer the first book over the second call themselves Jews). Many others believe this is just part two of a trilogy which ends with another book dictated by God to a man called Mohamed and which is known as the Quran. Indeed, its more complicated than that, as people called Mormon's believe there is a fourth installment, dictated to an American called Joseph Smith (by God), and they call that book the Book of Mormon.

When I was young and this book was given to me to read it all seemed rather simple. There was one book - this was it - and God wrote it. But as I've gotten older I've realised that whatever the truth behind this book is, its been rather confused and convoluted over the years of telling and retelling. But I do like the central message of this man Jesus - love others as you would love yourself, and forgive people for doing bad things to you. Thus, despite all the confusion and controversy, I recommend this book as a good read whether or not you think its all true, partly true, or a work of utter fiction. Happy Reading.

Computer Sayings

2007-12-05T10:39:00.000Z

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Hit any user to continue.
I wish life had an UNDO function.
If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit in the drive.
Microsoft Windows: computing While U Wait
665.9238429876 - Number of the Pentium Beast
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
"To know recursion, you must first know recursion"
Life's unfair - but root password helps!
Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Intel: We put the "um..." in Pentium.
Helpdesk tip #2: When the support analyst says "Click...", wait for the rest of the sentence.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
A good programmer makes all the right mistakes.
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
"There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true."
"A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street."
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell," sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful.
1010011010 - The binary number of the Beast
APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. Application has reported a "Not My Fault" in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103F
"The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a software patch and a user with an idea."

Frienship

2007-11-30T15:19:00.000Z

For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here is a touch of reality.

* When you are sad... I will get you drunk, and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

* When you are blue... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.

* When you smile... I'll know you finally got laid.

* When you are scared... I will rag you about it every chance I get.

* When you are worried... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

* When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

* When you are sick... Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.

* When you fall... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath... I pledge till the end. Why may you ask? Because you're my friend.

Send to ten of your closest friends. Then get depressed because you only have two friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

Brian's Bad Day

2007-11-30T14:51:00.000Z

Gives the words "bad day" a whole new perspective...

Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won a contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of junk sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a good plan and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make things more tolerable.

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Brian

Frog

2007-10-29T13:01:00.000Z

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Bumper Stickers

2007-10-21T16:45:00.000Z

Don't believe everything you think.

My feminine side is lesbian.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Stable relationships are for horses.

Just say NO to negativity.

I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

The Moral Majority is neither.

Dyslexics Untie!

I love animals. They're delicious.

I poke badgers with spoons.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send £10 to me.

That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.

If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomoly in the cosmic order.

If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!

Excess is never too much in moderation.

My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Think globally, Act galactically.

My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!

Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.

Life is short. So buy the shoes!

Never believe generalizations.

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

I don't think, therefore I am not.

Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.

This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

What would Gandalf do?

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm).

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

The control key on the keyboard does not work.

The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.

I plan to live forever. So far, so good!

Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.

I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

You - Off my planet.

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Above all else, sky.

The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

Out of my mind - back in five minutes.

Without ME, it's just AWESO.

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

What if the Hokey Kokey is really what it's all about?

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.

Thank God I'm an atheist.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Acceptance Testing

2007-10-05T10:18:00.000Z

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

Pet Tragedy

2007-10-03T16:31:00.000Z

A little boy is at school one day and while he is gone, his cat is killed in traffic. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"

The Creation by Computer

2007-10-02T08:45:00.000Z

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,

c:\>Let there be light]

Enter user id.

c:\>God

Enter password.

c:\>Omniscient

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:\>Omnipotent

Password incorrect. Try again.

c:\>Technocrat

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

c:\>Let there be light]

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\>Create light

Done

c:\>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

c:\>Create firmament

Done.

c:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and

let the dry land appear and

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

c:\>Create dry_land

Done.

c:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:\>Create sun_moon_stars

Done

c:\>Run sun_moon_stars

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

c:\>Create fish

Done

c:\>Create fowl

Done

c:\>Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

c:\>Create cattle

Done

c:\>Create creepy_things

Done

c:\>Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

c:\>Create man

Done

c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors.

c:\>Insert breath

Done

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden

File Garden of Eden does not exist.

c:\>Create Garden.eden

Done

c:\>Move man to Garden.edn

Done

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

c:\>Copy woman from man

Done

c:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

c:\>Create desire

Done

c:\>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\>Create freewill

Done

c:\>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\>Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

c:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\>Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\>Create good, evil

Done

c:\>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

c:\>Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

c:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

c:\>Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again

c:\>Break

c:\>Break

c:\>Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN OR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:\>Create new world

You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

c:\>Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

c:\>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

Knowledge

2007-09-26T14:12:00.000Z

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

- He who hesitates is probably right.

- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the hardness of the bread.

- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

- Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.

- Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- OK so what's the speed of dark?

- Black holes are where God divided by zero.

- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Short Guide to Comparative Religions

2007-09-09T22:39:00.000Z

Taoism	Shit happens.
Confucianism	Confucius say, "Shit happens".
Calvinism	Shit happens because you don`t work hard enough.
Buddhism	If shit happens, it really isn`t shit.
Seventh Day Adventist	No shit on Saturdays
Zen	What is the sound of shit happening?
Hedonism	There`s nothing like a good shit happening.
Hinduism	This shit happened before.
Mormon	This shit is going to happen again.
Islam	If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Moonies	Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism	This shit is good for me.
Protestantism	Let the shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism	Shit happens because you are BAD.
Hare Krishna	Shit happens rama rama.
Judaism	Why does this shit always happen to US?
Zoroastrianism	Shit happens half the time.
Christian Science	Shit is in your mind.
Atheism	Sheeit.
Existentialism	What is shit anyway?
Rastafarianism	Let`s smoke this shit.
Jesuitism	If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?
Psychoanalysis	Shit happens because of your toilet training.
Scientology	Shit happens if you're on our shit list.
Unitarianism	Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.
Mysticism	What weird shit!
Agnosticism	What is this shit?
Nihilism	Who needs this shit?
Aztec	Cut out this shit!
Quaker	Let's not fight over this shit.
Forteanism	No shit??
12-Step	I am powerless to cut the shit.
Voodoo	Hey, that shit looks just like you!
New Age	Visualize shit not happening.
Deism	Shit just happens.
Secular Humanism	Shit evolves.
Shintoism	Shit is everywhere.
Wicca	Mix this shit together and make it happen!
Hasidism	Shit never happens the same way twice.
Objectivism	Our shit is good for you.
Theosophy	You don't know half of the shit that happens.
Dianetics	Your mother gave you shit before your were born.
Jehovah's Witnesses	No shit happens until Armageddon.
Hopi	Corn fertilizer happens.
Baha'i	It's all the same shit.

EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH

2007-09-04T09:34:00.000Z

Mike never dreamed that slowly cruising on his Harley Davidson Fat-Boy motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Little did Mike suspect.

Mike was on Glenray Drive a small street in Catonsville (near Jack McNaulty's house) a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As Mike passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of him.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered
the car. Mike really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it
was that close. Mike hates to run over animals, and he really hates it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to him. Mike barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, Mike discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing Mike's oncoming Harley with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! Mike was pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you Guinness-sucking, heathen scum!"

The leap was nothing short of spectacular...

He shot straight up, flew over his windshield, and impacted Mike squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon Mike. If Mike didn't know better, Mike would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at his clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As Mike was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome Harley Davidson Fat-Boy, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...

Mike grabbed for him with his left hand. After a few misses, Mike finally managed to snag his tail. With all his strength, Mike flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as Mike recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and Mike could have headed home.

No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.

This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught his gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on Mike's BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take his left glove with him! The situation had not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now Mike could not reach him. Mike was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and his jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through Mike's right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley only has one result.

TORQUE.

This is what Harleys are made for, and they are very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger.

The Harley screamed in ecstasy.

Mike screamed in .. well .. he just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome Fat-Boy, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

Mike and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration Mike was forced to put his other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but Mike really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, Mike had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... his brain was just simply overloaded. Mike did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big Harley Davidson Fat-Boy cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that Mike was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around his neck and got INSIDE Mike's full-face helmet.

As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in Mike's face. Mike was quite sure his screaming changed intensity.

It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on Mike's Fat-Boy maxed out (since Mike was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so the front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally MIKE got the upper hand ... Mike managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of his helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as he could. This time it worked ... sort-of.

Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene.

You are a cop.

You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome Fat-Boy Harley Davidson Motorcycle, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

Mike heard screams.

They weren't his...

Mike managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. Mike then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.

Mike would have returned to 'fess up' (and to get his glove back). Mike really would have.

Really...

Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about Mike at the moment. When Mike looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in Mike. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing.

The other?

Well, Mike could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But Mike could also swear he saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at him.

That is one dangerous squirrel.

And now he has a patrol car.

A somewhat shredded patrol car .. but it was all his.

Mike took a deep breath, turned on his turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Glenray Drive, and sedately left the neighborhood. Mike decided it was best to just buy himself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

Engineer

2007-09-04T09:25:00.000Z

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $1

Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Lawyers are so materialistic

2007-08-15T15:23:00.000Z

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

All in the perspective

2007-08-12T21:58:00.000Z

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement, and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, began barking. I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he asked, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" he asked. "Because it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out. " What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Clever Workmen

2007-08-10T18:51:00.000Z

These intelligent workmen have been asked to put up bollards so that people
cannot park in front of the building... Now they are clearing up and almost
ready to go home... Tee hee

Cats and Physics

2007-07-31T20:57:00.000Z

[The following question was originally posed by Steven Wright.]

Question: If you strapped a slice of buttered bread to the back of a cat, which way down would it land?

[Well, here's an explication of that question...]

I'm glad you asked this question.

IF WHEN YOU DROP A BUTTERED PIECE OF BREAD, IT DROPS BUTTER SIDEDOWN AND A CAT ALWAYS LANDS ON ITS FEET. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IFYOU TOOK A PIECE OF BUTTERED BREAD, STRAPPED IT ON THE BACK OF A CAT(BUTTER SIDE UP) AND DROPPED IT OFF CENTERPOINT TOWER?

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.

If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

Divorce

2007-07-31T17:01:00.000Z

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Future Darwin Award Nominees

2007-07-30T21:15:00.000Z

For those who are unfamiliar with the Darwin Award, it is given to those who prove by their actions that Darwin was right... People that stupid don't survive long enought to breed!

*****************

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor Home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

*****************

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

***************

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

*****************

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

*****************

The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

*****************

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

******************

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

*******************

Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.

******************

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

The Rectal Thermometer

2007-07-30T21:05:00.000Z

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

Map of Online Communities

2007-07-27T19:50:00.001Z

Random Photos

2007-07-27T19:42:00.000Z

Hell

2007-07-23T12:49:00.000Z

A young man from Tampa dies, and, unfortunately, goes to Hell. As usual, he's assigned to work in the sulfur pits. Lucifer comes by on a tour one day, and he sees the boy whistling and laughing and enjoying himself. Well, Lucifer walks up to the young man and says "Boy - Why are you so happy? Aren't you hot enough?"

The young man answers: "Well, it's sure hot down here, but it reminds me of July back in Tampa"

Lucifer thinks about this for a bit, and decides to raise the temperature in the sulfur pits, just to show the boy who's boss. Well, he comes on by on tour again a few days later, and finds the boy still laughing and whistling and having a grand old time. So Lucifer goes up to the boy and says "Boy - I turned the heat up - why are you so happy?"

The young man smiles and says "Well, sir, it is hotter now than it was, but this isn't any different than a warm day in August. It feels just like home".

So Lucifer goes away, and starts to thinking, and then he gets a big grin on his face. (I'd call it a devilish grin, but that's kind of redundant). Lucifer thinks to himself - "Let's see how that Tampa boy likes the cold." So he goes and turns the heat way down in the sulfur pits, so it gets icy cold, and there's snow and ice everywhere and the winds howling and the tortured souls are getting frozen left and right.

He goes and checks on the boy, and the boy is still laughing - in fact he seems to be laughing even harder than before. "Boy." says Lucifer. "You were happy when it was hot, and now you're happy that it's cold. Why are you so happy?"

The boy answers, with a big grin on his face. "It's a cold day in Hell! The Bucs must have won the Superbowl!"

A lawyer and his seemingly simple question.

2007-07-23T12:43:00.001Z

In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand.

She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.

The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt!"

Dark and Stormy Night

2007-07-19T14:19:00.000Z

For all you lovers of good writing:

This year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, AKA Dark and Stormy Night Contest. These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"

New way to deal with junk mail

2007-07-01T13:16:00.000Z

When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the payment. Let them throw it away.

When you get those pre approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to second mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right?

Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!

Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all THEY'RE paying for it! Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again!

10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

2007-06-28T21:58:00.000Z

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where their company is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their for as long as necessary. Such as when did their company start, who was the founder, are they still with company?

8. Cry out in surprise, the name of the telemarker name such as "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give "Judy" a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Traffic Wardens

2007-06-22T13:18:00.000Z

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in High street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi Bastard.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

The Irish Candle

2007-06-22T13:12:00.000Z

Mrs Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said: 'Top o' the morning to ye! Aren't you Mrs Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?'

She replied: 'Aye, that yer did, Father'

The Father asked: 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied: 'No, not yet, Father'

The Father said: 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband

'She replied: 'Oh, thank ye, Father'

Some years later they met again. The father asked: 'Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied: 'Very well, Father'

The father asked: 'And tell me, have you any wee ones yet?'

She replied: 'Oh yes, Father. Three sets of twins and four singles.Ten in all'

The Father said: 'That's wonderful! How is your loving husband?'

She replied: 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer feckin' candle!'

You're never too old to drive a ferrari

2007-06-22T12:50:00.000Z

A middle-aged man bought a brand new Ferrari.

He took off down the road, pushed it up to 80 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great", he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 160 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police Car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Ferrari and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go".

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ranoff with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back".

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day".

2007-06-22T12:41:00.000Z

This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Keep going ........................ . .
Don't stop . . ..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Almost
there........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.
.
.
.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Of course they fuckin dont.......
.
.
.
.Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
games!

Fun Thoughts

2007-06-18T13:22:00.000Z

1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. I doubt, therefore I might be.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

8. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

12. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Chickens, Roads and Computers

2007-06-18T13:16:00.000Z

In the PC World, how does a chicken cross the road?

NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...

C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side (of course, those are chicklets).

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Brain Teasers

2007-06-03T10:34:00.000Z

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

---scroll down for answers---

Answers:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

Teaching vs. Educating

2007-06-02T23:54:00.000Z

A private school was faced with the problem of girls putting on lipstick in the toilets at break. After they put it on they kissed the mirrors leaving lip prints.

Every night the cleaner took them off and the next day the girls put them back. No punishment made any difference.

Finally the head decided that something had to be done so he took the girls to the toilets and asked the cleaner to show them how difficult it was to clean them off. He took out a squeegee, dipped it in a toilet and cleaned the mirrors.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

There are teachers and there are educators!

The Dam

2007-05-20T10:41:00.000Z

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
The guy's response is hilarious, but make sure you read the State's letter, here, first before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.!

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on! the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers.
(2) Or do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

Life lessons

2007-05-19T19:40:00.000Z

1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

3. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

5. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

6. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

7. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

8. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

9. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

10. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

11. I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.

12. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

13. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

14. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

15. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

16. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

17. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

18. I don't get even, I get odder.

19. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

20. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

21. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

22. Dijon vu - The same mustard as before.

23. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

24. I am having an out of money experience.

25. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

26. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

27. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

28. A day without sunshine is like night.

29. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

30. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Leave it to the newfies

2007-05-11T18:51:00.000Z

Three women - one German, one Japanese and a Newfy were sitting naked in a Jacuzzi.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Newfy woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone; she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her
behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The Newfy woman finally said, "Lord thunderin' Jesus, will you look at that. I'm gettin' a fax."

Police

2007-05-11T18:37:00.000Z

Mac, PC and Linux

2007-04-28T13:18:00.000Z

It's True - Mice do live in the holes in cheese!

2007-04-17T23:13:00.000Z

Extreme Olympic games

2007-04-13T15:33:00.000Z

Aviation

2007-03-28T17:49:00.000Z

Religions of the world

2007-03-28T17:18:00.000Z

The stoOpid test...my result.

2007-03-25T04:55:00.000Z

Looked at the blog and decided to do the stoOpid test, as Glitch did in an earlier post. It is a good laugh, and some of the questions are VERY sneaky. Below is my "nifty" graphic, lets see how others will do... (How much dirt is in a... Genius of the highest order).

Casino Marketing

2007-03-24T20:11:00.000Z

Baggage claims at airports get more and more interesting for advertisers. The Venice Casino uses the moving ad space to communicate with tourists.

How sto0pid are you?

2007-03-24T20:02:00.000Z

Who wants to live to 100?

2007-03-24T14:42:00.000Z

A grandmother went to see her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

2007-03-24T14:40:00.000Z

He wrote:

I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Military Words of Wisdom ...

2007-03-24T14:36:00.000Z

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." From an old carrier sailor
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

A Scout Master was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the desert.

2007-03-24T14:21:00.000Z

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten."

Stupid Signs 3

2007-03-21T11:48:00.000Z

Windaz Too Thowsand

2007-03-20T13:56:00.000Z

Bill Sux at .18 Microns

2007-03-20T13:44:00.000Z

API - Time Magazine reports an interesting case of high-tech graffiti. It seems that a couple of Intel engineers working on the design of a recent version of the Pentium microprocessor included a message that describes their feelings about Bill Gates, president of Microsoft, a good corporate pal of Intel's.

When a portion of the Pentium chip is examined under a powerful scanning electron microscope, the phrase "bill sux" is clearly visible, etched into the surface of the chip.

The "flaw" in the chip was only discovered by accident well after the chip was released into the market, too late for Intel to prevent the chip from being used in the manufacture of tens of thousands of PCs.

Intel says that both engineers responsible were former employees of Motorola, makers of the chips that are the heart of the Apple Macintosh.

Both engineers have since been fired by Intel.

Stupid Signs 2

2007-03-20T13:32:00.000Z