Life: Explained

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.

I Had A Shoggoth

The looniest laws in the world

Here's a look at some of the more unusual laws you'll find in countries around the world, along with a few from closer to home which show that our own law-makers aren't immune to the odd brainstorm either...

In the UK:

• If someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your commode, you must let them in.


• It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.


• Placing a postage stamp with the Queen's head on it upside down is considered treason.


• It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour.


• It is illegal to die while in the Houses of Parliament.


• In Carlisle, Scots found wandering around can be whipped or jailed.


• In York, Scots can still be legally shot with a bow and arrow, except on Sundays.


• In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public, except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.


• In London, commuters on the tube can be fined £2 for not queuing.


• In Scotland, it is against the law in Scotland to be drunk in possession of a cow.


• In Scotland, it is illegal for a boy under the age of 10 to see a naked mannequin.

In Canada:

• In Alberta, if you are released from prison, you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse so you can ride out of town.


• In King County, it is illegal to sit on a man's lap on the metro unless he is your husband.

In America:

• In Alabama, it is illegal to buy a bag of peanuts after sunset and before sunrise the next day.


• In Arkansas, a man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.


• In California, it is against the law to set a mousetrap without a hunting licence.


• In Florida, owners who leave elephants at parking meters must pay the same fee as for a vehicle. And only married women are allowed to parachute on a Sunday.


• In Iowa, after making love, men are not allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with their partner or holding them in their arms.


• In Massachusetts, mourners are not allowed to eat more than three sandwiches each at a wake.


• In Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal red-blooded male."


• In Minnesota, it is illegal to pass a cow in Pine Island District without tipping your hat.


• In New York, having sex with a porcupine is illegal.


• In Oklahoma, anyone found making ugly faces at a dog can be fined, arrested or jailed.


• In Wisconsin, it is illegal for a man to fire a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.


• In Pueblo, Colorado, it is illegal to let dandelions grow.


• In Hartford, Connecticut, it's illegal to educate a pet dog.


• In Utah, garden birds have the right of way on all roads, and having sex in an ambulance is banned.


• In Illinois, it's illegal to sit by a fish pond in your pyjamas.


• In Sarasota, Florida, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit, and women may be fined for falling asleep under a hairdryer.

Elsewhere in the world:

• In Belgium it is illegal to wear a red hat while walking down the main street.


• In France it is illegal to kiss on railways.


• In Germany, every office must have a view of the sky.


• In Israel, there is no legal way for a man named Cohen to marry a divorced woman.


• In Italy a man may be arrested for wearing a skirt.


• In Norway it is illegal to kill a mouse unless for consumption.


• In Russia, you are not allowed to drive a dirty car.


• In South Korea, traffic police are required to report all bribes that they receive from motorists.


• In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself while standing up after 10pm.


• In Thailand, it's illegal to drive without wearing a shirt.

Teachers

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Salary Theory

A New Theorem on Salary states:

Engineers, Teachers, Programmers and Scientists can never earn as much salary as business executives and sales people.


This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following three postulates:


Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power (Knowledge=Power)

Postulate 2: Time is Money (Time=Money)

Postulate 3 (as every Physics student knows): Power = Work/Time


It therefore follows: Knowledge = Work / Time

and since Time = Money,

we have: Knowledge = Work / Money


Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge


Thus, as Knowledge approaches Zero, Money approaches Infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.


Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make

The Chauffeur

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

(Remember, he's German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

Random Images

Seeing-eye dogs

Two guys are out taking their dogs for a walk and stroll past the neighbourhood watering hole.

The first guy suggests they stop in for a quick drink before heading back home.

The second guy points out the obvious, no bar is going to let dogs in so they might as well forget it and head back home.

The first guy says, "Wait here a minute, then follow my lead."

After the first guy makes it into the bar without incident, the second guy follows suit.

When challenged by the door man the second guy says, "I am blind and this is my seeing-eye dog."

The door man incredulously replies, "You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?"

To which the second guy answers, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"