Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there!?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said... "Those little bastards!"

A Blonde

A blonde was sitting in first class on a non-stop flight from Los Angeles to New York. The stewardess came up and asked her if she had a ticket for first-class and the blonde replied, "No, I don't." The stewardess then told her that, since she didn't have a ticket for first-class, she would have to move into the coach section farther back. The blonde got very offended and told the stewardess, "I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I am going to New York to get a top-notch modeling job. I'll sit where I damn well please."

The stewardess was not sure how to handle this, so she went to the front of the plane and explained the situation to the co-pilot. The co-pilot went back and told the blonde that she would have to move. The blonde replied, "I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I am going to New York to get a top-notch modeling job. I'll sit where I damn well please."

The co-pilot was at a loss, so he went forward and explained the problem to the pilot. The pilot asked, "She's blonde?" The co-pilot answered that yes, she was. The pilot then said, "Well, my wife's blonde. Maybe I can reason with the lady." He went back to where the blonde was seated, leaned over and whispered something in her ear. The blonde said, "Oh, really?" then got up and moved back into the coach section of the airplane.

Well, the stewardess and the co-pilot were stunned. So they asked the pilot how in the world had he gotten the blonde passenger to move without a word of argument. The pilot answered, "Simple. I just told her that first class wasn't going to New York."

The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)






























The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling.



































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen either.

A Bible Review from Amazon

106 of 144 people found the following review helpful:

A ripping tale of good, evil, betrayal , redemption, etc., 16 Nov 2005

By A Customer

This book is shrouded in mystery and controversy. It centres around a jewish man called Jesus, perhaps the Son of God, apparently born about 2,000 years ago of a virgin called Mary. Jesus grows up - the story recounts very little of his childhood days - and becomes well versed in Jewish religion. He claims special powers, preaches about universal love and forgiveness of one's enemies, is recognised by his followers as the Son of God come to fulfil his father's law, but eventually winds up Jewish elders after a heated episode in the Temple who not long after hand him over to the Roman's for crucifixion. The Roman's crucify him, he dies, is put in a cave, but three days later, so the story goes, he comes back to life and gets out. He goes back and sees his friends and followers, hanging around for a while before going back home to his father who lives in heaven.
Thats the gist of it, but the problems start with the fundamental question of who wrote it. Some people called Christians who rather like this story say that God wrote it about his Son Jesus. But that is difficult to believe as there are clearly four versions of the story, all a bit different, written by four men called Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. At times the story gets a bit repetitious, and one suspects that Matthew, Mark and Luke copied their stories from one earlier unnamed source. The version by John is a bit more mystical and fanciful and departs from the narrative of the other three authors a little too much for my liking.

Another problem has to do with whether this book is God's final word as the Christian's who love this book would have it. They believe it is part two of a two volume set (the first part of which is known as the Torah and which is also dictated by God to a man called Moses - those who prefer the first book over the second call themselves Jews). Many others believe this is just part two of a trilogy which ends with another book dictated by God to a man called Mohamed and which is known as the Quran. Indeed, its more complicated than that, as people called Mormon's believe there is a fourth installment, dictated to an American called Joseph Smith (by God), and they call that book the Book of Mormon.

When I was young and this book was given to me to read it all seemed rather simple. There was one book - this was it - and God wrote it. But as I've gotten older I've realised that whatever the truth behind this book is, its been rather confused and convoluted over the years of telling and retelling. But I do like the central message of this man Jesus - love others as you would love yourself, and forgive people for doing bad things to you. Thus, despite all the confusion and controversy, I recommend this book as a good read whether or not you think its all true, partly true, or a work of utter fiction. Happy Reading.

Computer Sayings

• There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
• A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
• The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.
• At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
• Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

• Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
• Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
• Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
• Hit any user to continue.
• I wish life had an UNDO function.

• If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
• It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit in the drive.
• Microsoft Windows: computing While U Wait
• 665.9238429876 - Number of the Pentium Beast
• I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

• My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
• Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
• "To know recursion, you must first know recursion"
• Life's unfair - but root password helps!
• Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

• Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
• "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
• Intel: We put the "um..." in Pentium.
• Helpdesk tip #2: When the support analyst says "Click...", wait for the rest of the sentence.
• BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

• BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
• As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
• Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
• Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

• All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
• A good programmer makes all the right mistakes.
• Managing programmers is like herding cats.
• "There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true."
• "A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street."

• C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
• A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell," sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful.
• 1010011010 - The binary number of the Beast
• APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. Application has reported a "Not My Fault" in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103F
• "The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a software patch and a user with an idea."