10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."


9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where their company is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their for as long as necessary. Such as when did their company start, who was the founder, are they still with company?

8. Cry out in surprise, the name of the telemarker name such as "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give "Judy" a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.


7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"


6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.



5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.


4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.


3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"


And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Traffic Wardens

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in High street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi Bastard.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

The Irish Candle

Mrs Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said: 'Top o' the morning to ye! Aren't you Mrs Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?'

She replied: 'Aye, that yer did, Father'

The Father asked: 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied: 'No, not yet, Father'

The Father said: 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband

'She replied: 'Oh, thank ye, Father'

Some years later they met again. The father asked: 'Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied: 'Very well, Father'

The father asked: 'And tell me, have you any wee ones yet?'

She replied: 'Oh yes, Father. Three sets of twins and four singles.Ten in all'

The Father said: 'That's wonderful! How is your loving husband?'

She replied: 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer feckin' candle!'

You're never too old to drive a ferrari

A middle-aged man bought a brand new Ferrari.

He took off down the road, pushed it up to 80 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great", he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 160 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police Car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Ferrari and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go".

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ranoff with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back".

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day".

This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
.
.
.
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.
.
Keep going ........................ . .
Don't stop . . ..
.
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.
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.
.
.
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.
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Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Almost
there........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
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.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.
.
.
.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Of course they fuckin dont.......
.
.
.
.Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
games!

Fun Thoughts

1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. I doubt, therefore I might be.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

8. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

12. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Chickens, Roads and Computers

In the PC World, how does a chicken cross the road?


NT Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure.

OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like ... chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.

OOP Chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.

Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road ...

C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken: USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.

Java Chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download one to the other side (of course, those are chicklets).

Web Chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

Newton Chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

Cray Chicken: Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your choice.

Lotus Chicken: Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same way we do!

Mac Chicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it to.

Brain Teasers

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!







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Answers:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

Teaching vs. Educating

A private school was faced with the problem of girls putting on lipstick in the toilets at break. After they put it on they kissed the mirrors leaving lip prints.

Every night the cleaner took them off and the next day the girls put them back. No punishment made any difference.

Finally the head decided that something had to be done so he took the girls to the toilets and asked the cleaner to show them how difficult it was to clean them off. He took out a squeegee, dipped it in a toilet and cleaned the mirrors.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

There are teachers and there are educators!