A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there!?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said... "Those little bastards!"
31 December 2007
20 December 2007
A Blonde
A blonde was sitting in first class on a non-stop flight from Los Angeles to New York. The stewardess came up and asked her if she had a ticket for first-class and the blonde replied, "No, I don't." The stewardess then told her that, since she didn't have a ticket for first-class, she would have to move into the coach section farther back. The blonde got very offended and told the stewardess, "I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I am going to New York to get a top-notch modeling job. I'll sit where I damn well please."
The stewardess was not sure how to handle this, so she went to the front of the plane and explained the situation to the co-pilot. The co-pilot went back and told the blonde that she would have to move. The blonde replied, "I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I am going to New York to get a top-notch modeling job. I'll sit where I damn well please."
The co-pilot was at a loss, so he went forward and explained the problem to the pilot. The pilot asked, "She's blonde?" The co-pilot answered that yes, she was. The pilot then said, "Well, my wife's blonde. Maybe I can reason with the lady." He went back to where the blonde was seated, leaned over and whispered something in her ear. The blonde said, "Oh, really?" then got up and moved back into the coach section of the airplane.
Well, the stewardess and the co-pilot were stunned. So they asked the pilot how in the world had he gotten the blonde passenger to move without a word of argument. The pilot answered, "Simple. I just told her that first class wasn't going to New York."
The stewardess was not sure how to handle this, so she went to the front of the plane and explained the situation to the co-pilot. The co-pilot went back and told the blonde that she would have to move. The blonde replied, "I am blonde, I am beautiful, and I am going to New York to get a top-notch modeling job. I'll sit where I damn well please."
The co-pilot was at a loss, so he went forward and explained the problem to the pilot. The pilot asked, "She's blonde?" The co-pilot answered that yes, she was. The pilot then said, "Well, my wife's blonde. Maybe I can reason with the lady." He went back to where the blonde was seated, leaned over and whispered something in her ear. The blonde said, "Oh, really?" then got up and moved back into the coach section of the airplane.
Well, the stewardess and the co-pilot were stunned. So they asked the pilot how in the world had he gotten the blonde passenger to move without a word of argument. The pilot answered, "Simple. I just told her that first class wasn't going to New York."
16 December 2007
The Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point:
Women never listen either.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point:
Women never listen either.
10 December 2007
A Bible Review from Amazon
106 of 144 people found the following review helpful:
A ripping tale of good, evil, betrayal , redemption, etc., 16 Nov 2005
By A Customer
This book is shrouded in mystery and controversy. It centres around a jewish man called Jesus, perhaps the Son of God, apparently born about 2,000 years ago of a virgin called Mary. Jesus grows up - the story recounts very little of his childhood days - and becomes well versed in Jewish religion. He claims special powers, preaches about universal love and forgiveness of one's enemies, is recognised by his followers as the Son of God come to fulfil his father's law, but eventually winds up Jewish elders after a heated episode in the Temple who not long after hand him over to the Roman's for crucifixion. The Roman's crucify him, he dies, is put in a cave, but three days later, so the story goes, he comes back to life and gets out. He goes back and sees his friends and followers, hanging around for a while before going back home to his father who lives in heaven.
Thats the gist of it, but the problems start with the fundamental question of who wrote it. Some people called Christians who rather like this story say that God wrote it about his Son Jesus. But that is difficult to believe as there are clearly four versions of the story, all a bit different, written by four men called Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. At times the story gets a bit repetitious, and one suspects that Matthew, Mark and Luke copied their stories from one earlier unnamed source. The version by John is a bit more mystical and fanciful and departs from the narrative of the other three authors a little too much for my liking.
Another problem has to do with whether this book is God's final word as the Christian's who love this book would have it. They believe it is part two of a two volume set (the first part of which is known as the Torah and which is also dictated by God to a man called Moses - those who prefer the first book over the second call themselves Jews). Many others believe this is just part two of a trilogy which ends with another book dictated by God to a man called Mohamed and which is known as the Quran. Indeed, its more complicated than that, as people called Mormon's believe there is a fourth installment, dictated to an American called Joseph Smith (by God), and they call that book the Book of Mormon.
When I was young and this book was given to me to read it all seemed rather simple. There was one book - this was it - and God wrote it. But as I've gotten older I've realised that whatever the truth behind this book is, its been rather confused and convoluted over the years of telling and retelling. But I do like the central message of this man Jesus - love others as you would love yourself, and forgive people for doing bad things to you. Thus, despite all the confusion and controversy, I recommend this book as a good read whether or not you think its all true, partly true, or a work of utter fiction. Happy Reading.
05 December 2007
Computer Sayings
- There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
- A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
- The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.
- At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
- Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
- Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
- Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
- Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
- Hit any user to continue.
- I wish life had an UNDO function.
- If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
- It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit in the drive.
- Microsoft Windows: computing While U Wait
- 665.9238429876 - Number of the Pentium Beast
- I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
- Programming graphics in X is like finding sqrt(pi) using Roman numerals.
- "To know recursion, you must first know recursion"
- Life's unfair - but root password helps!
- Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
- Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
- "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
- Intel: We put the "um..." in Pentium.
- Helpdesk tip #2: When the support analyst says "Click...", wait for the rest of the sentence.
- BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
- BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
- Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
- All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
- A good programmer makes all the right mistakes.
- Managing programmers is like herding cats.
- "There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true."
- "A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street."
- C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
- A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell," sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful.
- 1010011010 - The binary number of the Beast
- APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. Application has reported a "Not My Fault" in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103F
- "The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a software patch and a user with an idea."
30 November 2007
Frienship
For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here is a touch of reality.
* When you are sad... I will get you drunk, and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
* When you are blue... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
* When you smile... I'll know you finally got laid.
* When you are scared... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
* When you are worried... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
* When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
* When you are sick... Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.
* When you fall... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath... I pledge till the end. Why may you ask? Because you're my friend.
Send to ten of your closest friends. Then get depressed because you only have two friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.
* When you are sad... I will get you drunk, and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
* When you are blue... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
* When you smile... I'll know you finally got laid.
* When you are scared... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
* When you are worried... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
* When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
* When you are sick... Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.
* When you fall... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath... I pledge till the end. Why may you ask? Because you're my friend.
Send to ten of your closest friends. Then get depressed because you only have two friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.
Brian's Bad Day
Gives the words "bad day" a whole new perspective...
Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won a contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of junk sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a good plan and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make things more tolerable.
Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Brian
Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won a contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of junk sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a good plan and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make things more tolerable.
Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Brian
29 October 2007
Frog
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
21 October 2007
Bumper Stickers
Don't believe everything you think.
My feminine side is lesbian.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Stable relationships are for horses.
Just say NO to negativity.
I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.
The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
The Moral Majority is neither.
Dyslexics Untie!
I love animals. They're delicious.
I poke badgers with spoons.
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send £10 to me.
That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.
If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomoly in the cosmic order.
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
Excess is never too much in moderation.
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Think globally, Act galactically.
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Life is short. So buy the shoes!
Never believe generalizations.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
I don't think, therefore I am not.
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
What would Gandalf do?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm).
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
I plan to live forever. So far, so good!
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
You - Off my planet.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Above all else, sky.
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
What if the Hokey Kokey is really what it's all about?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
My feminine side is lesbian.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Stable relationships are for horses.
Just say NO to negativity.
I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.
The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
The Moral Majority is neither.
Dyslexics Untie!
I love animals. They're delicious.
I poke badgers with spoons.
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send £10 to me.
That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.
If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomoly in the cosmic order.
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
Excess is never too much in moderation.
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Think globally, Act galactically.
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Life is short. So buy the shoes!
Never believe generalizations.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
I don't think, therefore I am not.
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
What would Gandalf do?
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm).
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
I plan to live forever. So far, so good!
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
You - Off my planet.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Above all else, sky.
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
What if the Hokey Kokey is really what it's all about?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
05 October 2007
Acceptance Testing
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
03 October 2007
Pet Tragedy
A little boy is at school one day and while he is gone, his cat is killed in traffic. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"
02 October 2007
The Creation by Computer
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,
c:\>Let there be light]
Enter user id.
c:\>God
Enter password.
c:\>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:\>Let there be light]
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create light
Done
c:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create firmament
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and
let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\>Create dry_land
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\>Create fish
Done
c:\>Create fowl
Done
c:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:\>Create cattle
Done
c:\>Create creepy_things
Done
c:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create man
Done
c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:\>Insert breath
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\>Create Garden.eden
Done
c:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\>Copy woman from man
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\>Create desire
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create freewill
Done
c:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create good, evil
Done
c:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN OR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
c:\>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
c:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
c:\>Let there be light]
Enter user id.
c:\>God
Enter password.
c:\>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:\>Let there be light]
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create light
Done
c:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create firmament
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and
let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\>Create dry_land
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\>Create fish
Done
c:\>Create fowl
Done
c:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:\>Create cattle
Done
c:\>Create creepy_things
Done
c:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create man
Done
c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:\>Insert breath
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\>Create Garden.eden
Done
c:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\>Copy woman from man
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\>Create desire
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create freewill
Done
c:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create good, evil
Done
c:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN OR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
c:\>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
c:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
26 September 2007
Knowledge
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the hardness of the bread.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.
- Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- OK so what's the speed of dark?
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the hardness of the bread.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.
- Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- OK so what's the speed of dark?
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
09 September 2007
Short Guide to Comparative Religions
Taoism | Shit happens. |
| Confucianism | Confucius say, "Shit happens". |
| Calvinism | Shit happens because you don`t work hard enough. |
| Buddhism | If shit happens, it really isn`t shit. |
| Seventh Day Adventist | No shit on Saturdays |
| Zen | What is the sound of shit happening? |
| Hedonism | There`s nothing like a good shit happening. |
| Hinduism | This shit happened before. |
| Mormon | This shit is going to happen again. |
| Islam | If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. |
| Moonies | Only happy shit really happens. |
| Stoicism | This shit is good for me. |
| Protestantism | Let the shit happen to someone else. |
| Catholicism | Shit happens because you are BAD. |
| Hare Krishna | Shit happens rama rama. |
| Judaism | Why does this shit always happen to US? |
| Zoroastrianism | Shit happens half the time. |
| Christian Science | Shit is in your mind. |
| Atheism | Sheeit. |
| Existentialism | What is shit anyway? |
| Rastafarianism | Let`s smoke this shit. |
Jesuitism | If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit? |
Psychoanalysis | Shit happens because of your toilet training. |
Scientology | Shit happens if you're on our shit list. |
Unitarianism | Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts. |
Mysticism | What weird shit! |
Agnosticism | What is this shit? |
Nihilism | Who needs this shit? |
Aztec | Cut out this shit! |
Quaker | Let's not fight over this shit. |
Forteanism | No shit?? |
12-Step | I am powerless to cut the shit. |
Voodoo | Hey, that shit looks just like you! |
New Age | Visualize shit not happening. |
Deism | Shit just happens. |
Secular Humanism | Shit evolves. |
Shintoism | Shit is everywhere. |
Wicca | Mix this shit together and make it happen! |
Hasidism | Shit never happens the same way twice. |
Objectivism | Our shit is good for you. |
Theosophy | You don't know half of the shit that happens. |
Dianetics | Your mother gave you shit before your were born. |
Jehovah's Witnesses | No shit happens until Armageddon. |
Hopi | Corn fertilizer happens. |
Baha'i | It's all the same shit. |
04 September 2007
EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH
Mike never dreamed that slowly cruising on his Harley Davidson Fat-Boy motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!
Little did Mike suspect.
Mike was on Glenray Drive a small street in Catonsville (near Jack McNaulty's house) a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As Mike passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of him.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered
the car. Mike really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it
was that close. Mike hates to run over animals, and he really hates it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to him. Mike barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, Mike discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing Mike's oncoming Harley with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! Mike was pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you Guinness-sucking, heathen scum!"
The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over his windshield, and impacted Mike squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon Mike. If Mike didn't know better, Mike would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at his clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As Mike was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome Harley Davidson Fat-Boy, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
Mike grabbed for him with his left hand. After a few misses, Mike finally managed to snag his tail. With all his strength, Mike flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as Mike recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and Mike could have headed home.
No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught his gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on Mike's BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take his left glove with him! The situation had not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now Mike could not reach him. Mike was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and his jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through Mike's right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley only has one result.
TORQUE.
This is what Harleys are made for, and they are very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Harley screamed in ecstasy.
Mike screamed in .. well .. he just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome Fat-Boy, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
Mike and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration Mike was forced to put his other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but Mike really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, Mike had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... his brain was just simply overloaded. Mike did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big Harley Davidson Fat-Boy cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that Mike was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around his neck and got INSIDE Mike's full-face helmet.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in Mike's face. Mike was quite sure his screaming changed intensity.
It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on Mike's Fat-Boy maxed out (since Mike was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so the front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally MIKE got the upper hand ... Mike managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of his helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as he could. This time it worked ... sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene.
You are a cop.
You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome Fat-Boy Harley Davidson Motorcycle, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
Mike heard screams.
They weren't his...
Mike managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. Mike then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.
Mike would have returned to 'fess up' (and to get his glove back). Mike really would have.
Really...
Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about Mike at the moment. When Mike looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in Mike. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing.
The other?
Well, Mike could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But Mike could also swear he saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at him.
That is one dangerous squirrel.
And now he has a patrol car.
A somewhat shredded patrol car .. but it was all his.
Mike took a deep breath, turned on his turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Glenray Drive, and sedately left the neighborhood. Mike decided it was best to just buy himself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
Little did Mike suspect.
Mike was on Glenray Drive a small street in Catonsville (near Jack McNaulty's house) a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As Mike passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of him.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered
the car. Mike really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it
was that close. Mike hates to run over animals, and he really hates it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to him. Mike barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, Mike discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing Mike's oncoming Harley with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! Mike was pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you Guinness-sucking, heathen scum!"
The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over his windshield, and impacted Mike squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon Mike. If Mike didn't know better, Mike would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at his clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As Mike was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome Harley Davidson Fat-Boy, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
Mike grabbed for him with his left hand. After a few misses, Mike finally managed to snag his tail. With all his strength, Mike flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as Mike recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and Mike could have headed home.
No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught his gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on Mike's BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take his left glove with him! The situation had not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now Mike could not reach him. Mike was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and his jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through Mike's right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley only has one result.
TORQUE.
This is what Harleys are made for, and they are very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Harley screamed in ecstasy.
Mike screamed in .. well .. he just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome Fat-Boy, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
Mike and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration Mike was forced to put his other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but Mike really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, Mike had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... his brain was just simply overloaded. Mike did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big Harley Davidson Fat-Boy cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that Mike was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around his neck and got INSIDE Mike's full-face helmet.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in Mike's face. Mike was quite sure his screaming changed intensity.
It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on Mike's Fat-Boy maxed out (since Mike was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so the front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally MIKE got the upper hand ... Mike managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of his helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as he could. This time it worked ... sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene.
You are a cop.
You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome Fat-Boy Harley Davidson Motorcycle, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
Mike heard screams.
They weren't his...
Mike managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. Mike then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.
Mike would have returned to 'fess up' (and to get his glove back). Mike really would have.
Really...
Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about Mike at the moment. When Mike looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in Mike. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing.
The other?
Well, Mike could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But Mike could also swear he saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at him.
That is one dangerous squirrel.
And now he has a patrol car.
A somewhat shredded patrol car .. but it was all his.
Mike took a deep breath, turned on his turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Glenray Drive, and sedately left the neighborhood. Mike decided it was best to just buy himself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
Engineer
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
15 August 2007
Lawyers are so materialistic
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
12 August 2007
All in the perspective
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement, and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, began barking. I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he asked, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" he asked. "Because it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out. " What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement, and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, began barking. I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he asked, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" he asked. "Because it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out. " What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
10 August 2007
Clever Workmen
These intelligent workmen have been asked to put up bollards so that people
cannot park in front of the building... Now they are clearing up and almost
ready to go home... Tee hee
cannot park in front of the building... Now they are clearing up and almost
ready to go home... Tee hee
31 July 2007
Cats and Physics
[The following question was originally posed by Steven Wright.]
Question: If you strapped a slice of buttered bread to the back of a cat, which way down would it land?
[Well, here's an explication of that question...]
I'm glad you asked this question.
IF WHEN YOU DROP A BUTTERED PIECE OF BREAD, IT DROPS BUTTER SIDEDOWN AND A CAT ALWAYS LANDS ON ITS FEET. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IFYOU TOOK A PIECE OF BUTTERED BREAD, STRAPPED IT ON THE BACK OF A CAT(BUTTER SIDE UP) AND DROPPED IT OFF CENTERPOINT TOWER?
Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.
Question: If you strapped a slice of buttered bread to the back of a cat, which way down would it land?
[Well, here's an explication of that question...]
I'm glad you asked this question.
IF WHEN YOU DROP A BUTTERED PIECE OF BREAD, IT DROPS BUTTER SIDEDOWN AND A CAT ALWAYS LANDS ON ITS FEET. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IFYOU TOOK A PIECE OF BUTTERED BREAD, STRAPPED IT ON THE BACK OF A CAT(BUTTER SIDE UP) AND DROPPED IT OFF CENTERPOINT TOWER?
Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.
Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
30 July 2007
Future Darwin Award Nominees
For those who are unfamiliar with the Darwin Award, it is given to those who prove by their actions that Darwin was right... People that stupid don't survive long enought to breed!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor Home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
*****************
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor Home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
*****************
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
***************
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
*****************
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
*****************
The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
*****************
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
******************
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
*******************
Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.
******************
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
The Rectal Thermometer
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
27 July 2007
23 July 2007
Hell
A young man from Tampa dies, and, unfortunately, goes to Hell. As usual, he's assigned to work in the sulfur pits. Lucifer comes by on a tour one day, and he sees the boy whistling and laughing and enjoying himself. Well, Lucifer walks up to the young man and says "Boy - Why are you so happy? Aren't you hot enough?"
The young man answers: "Well, it's sure hot down here, but it reminds me of July back in Tampa"
Lucifer thinks about this for a bit, and decides to raise the temperature in the sulfur pits, just to show the boy who's boss. Well, he comes on by on tour again a few days later, and finds the boy still laughing and whistling and having a grand old time. So Lucifer goes up to the boy and says "Boy - I turned the heat up - why are you so happy?"
The young man smiles and says "Well, sir, it is hotter now than it was, but this isn't any different than a warm day in August. It feels just like home".
So Lucifer goes away, and starts to thinking, and then he gets a big grin on his face. (I'd call it a devilish grin, but that's kind of redundant). Lucifer thinks to himself - "Let's see how that Tampa boy likes the cold." So he goes and turns the heat way down in the sulfur pits, so it gets icy cold, and there's snow and ice everywhere and the winds howling and the tortured souls are getting frozen left and right.
He goes and checks on the boy, and the boy is still laughing - in fact he seems to be laughing even harder than before. "Boy." says Lucifer. "You were happy when it was hot, and now you're happy that it's cold. Why are you so happy?"
The boy answers, with a big grin on his face. "It's a cold day in Hell! The Bucs must have won the Superbowl!"
The young man answers: "Well, it's sure hot down here, but it reminds me of July back in Tampa"
Lucifer thinks about this for a bit, and decides to raise the temperature in the sulfur pits, just to show the boy who's boss. Well, he comes on by on tour again a few days later, and finds the boy still laughing and whistling and having a grand old time. So Lucifer goes up to the boy and says "Boy - I turned the heat up - why are you so happy?"
The young man smiles and says "Well, sir, it is hotter now than it was, but this isn't any different than a warm day in August. It feels just like home".
So Lucifer goes away, and starts to thinking, and then he gets a big grin on his face. (I'd call it a devilish grin, but that's kind of redundant). Lucifer thinks to himself - "Let's see how that Tampa boy likes the cold." So he goes and turns the heat way down in the sulfur pits, so it gets icy cold, and there's snow and ice everywhere and the winds howling and the tortured souls are getting frozen left and right.
He goes and checks on the boy, and the boy is still laughing - in fact he seems to be laughing even harder than before. "Boy." says Lucifer. "You were happy when it was hot, and now you're happy that it's cold. Why are you so happy?"
The boy answers, with a big grin on his face. "It's a cold day in Hell! The Bucs must have won the Superbowl!"
A lawyer and his seemingly simple question.
In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand.
She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt!"
She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt!"
19 July 2007
Dark and Stormy Night
For all you lovers of good writing:
This year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, AKA Dark and Stormy Night Contest. These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"
This year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, AKA Dark and Stormy Night Contest. These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!"
01 July 2007
New way to deal with junk mail
When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the payment. Let them throw it away.
When you get those pre approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to second mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right?
Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all THEY'RE paying for it! Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again!
When you get those pre approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to second mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right?
Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and best of all THEY'RE paying for it! Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again!
28 June 2007
10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where their company is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their for as long as necessary. Such as when did their company start, who was the founder, are they still with company?
8. Cry out in surprise, the name of the telemarker name such as "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give "Judy" a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where their company is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their for as long as necessary. Such as when did their company start, who was the founder, are they still with company?
8. Cry out in surprise, the name of the telemarker name such as "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give "Judy" a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
22 June 2007
Traffic Wardens
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in High street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi Bastard.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in High street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi Bastard.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.
The Irish Candle
Mrs Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said: 'Top o' the morning to ye! Aren't you Mrs Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?'
She replied: 'Aye, that yer did, Father'
The Father asked: 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied: 'No, not yet, Father'
The Father said: 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband
'She replied: 'Oh, thank ye, Father'
Some years later they met again. The father asked: 'Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied: 'Very well, Father'
The father asked: 'And tell me, have you any wee ones yet?'
She replied: 'Oh yes, Father. Three sets of twins and four singles.Ten in all'
The Father said: 'That's wonderful! How is your loving husband?'
She replied: 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer feckin' candle!'
The Father said: 'Top o' the morning to ye! Aren't you Mrs Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?'
She replied: 'Aye, that yer did, Father'
The Father asked: 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied: 'No, not yet, Father'
The Father said: 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband
'She replied: 'Oh, thank ye, Father'
Some years later they met again. The father asked: 'Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied: 'Very well, Father'
The father asked: 'And tell me, have you any wee ones yet?'
She replied: 'Oh yes, Father. Three sets of twins and four singles.Ten in all'
The Father said: 'That's wonderful! How is your loving husband?'
She replied: 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer feckin' candle!'
You're never too old to drive a ferrari
A middle-aged man bought a brand new Ferrari.
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 80 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great", he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 160 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police Car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Ferrari and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go".
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ranoff with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back".
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day".
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 80 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great", he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 160 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police Car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Ferrari and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go".
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ranoff with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back".
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day".
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