28 September 2006
25 September 2006
20 September 2006
St Patrick day Funnies
Better late than never........................
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishmansaid, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'
The First Sendin' o' the Green...
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
*******************************************************
"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
*****************************************************
"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
***********************************************
"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishmansaid, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
*************************************
Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
***************************************************
Irish Predicament
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
***************************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'
Self Help for Heart Attacks!
People should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting.
Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line. You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack.
Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. 60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up.
The pain in the jaw happened to me and woke me from a sound sleep. I was one of the fortunate ones. Trust me when I tell you it's pain unlike anything you've ever experienced before.
Given a choice between natural child birth and a heart attack, pain-wise; it's much easier to have a baby.
A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. Read this... It could save your life!!
Let's say it's 6.15 pm and you're driving home (alone of course), after an unusually hard day on the job. You're tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home.
Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. You have been trained in CPR, but the guy that taught the course did not tell you how to perform it on yourself.
HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE
Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, without help, the person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously.
A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let-up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.
Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this.
It could save their lives!!
Val Devine, COHN
Coordinator, Occupational Health
Victoria General Hospital
Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line. You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack.
Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. 60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up.
The pain in the jaw happened to me and woke me from a sound sleep. I was one of the fortunate ones. Trust me when I tell you it's pain unlike anything you've ever experienced before.
Given a choice between natural child birth and a heart attack, pain-wise; it's much easier to have a baby.
A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. Read this... It could save your life!!
Let's say it's 6.15 pm and you're driving home (alone of course), after an unusually hard day on the job. You're tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home.
Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. You have been trained in CPR, but the guy that taught the course did not tell you how to perform it on yourself.
HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE
Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, without help, the person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously.
A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest. A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let-up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.
Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital. Tell as many other people as possible about this.
It could save their lives!!
Val Devine, COHN
Coordinator, Occupational Health
Victoria General Hospital
Newfie Maths Test
A Newfie wants a job, but the foreman(Mainlander) won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Newfie, "Dat is easy boy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Newfie.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Newfie stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Newfie, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Newfie stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
(You're going to love this one!!!)
The Newfie leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when do I start?"
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Newfie, "Dat is easy boy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Newfie.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Newfie stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Newfie, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Newfie stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
(You're going to love this one!!!)
The Newfie leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when do I start?"
Women Drivers
I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers
Pierre the fighter pilot
Pierre, a brave (it's a joke - deal with it!) French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F*CK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! .
... If I go down, I go down in flames!"
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F*CK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! .
... If I go down, I go down in flames!"
Why do we have to speak english
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included admirals from the US, British, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English
He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences, rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
It got so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English
He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences, rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
It got so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop.
11 September 2006
Shoes
I showered and shaved............... I adjusted my tie.
I got there and sat.............. In a pew just in time.
Bowing my head in prayer......... As I closed my eyes.
I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I sighed.
With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, "Why must our soles touch?"
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him much.
A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought, "This man with the shoes.. has no pride.
They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!"
"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on.
The shoe man said............... a quiet "Amen."
I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were on his shoes again.
Aren't we supposed to look our best.. When walking through that door?
"Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, Glancing toward the floor.
Then the prayer was ended............ And the songs of praise began.
The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he sang.
His voice lifted the rafters......... His hands were raised high.
The Lord could surely hear.. The shoe man's voice from the sky.
It was time for the offering......... And what I threw in was steep.
I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep.
I saw what was pulled out............ What the shoe man put in.
Then I heard a soft "clink" . as when silver hits tin.
The sermon really bored me.......... To tears, and that's no lie
It was the same for the shoe man..... For tears fell from his eyes.
At the end of the service........ As is the custom here.
We must greet new visitors.. And show them all good cheer.
But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet the shoe man.
So after the closing prayer.......... I reached over and shook his hand.
He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess.
But I thanked him for coming......... For being our guest.
He said, "My names' Charlie.......... I'm glad to meet you, my friend."
There were tears in his eyes......... But he had a large, wide grin.
"Let me explain," he said........... Wiping tears from his eyes.
"I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to say 'Hi.'"
"I know that my appearance........."Is not like all the rest.
"But I really do try................."To always look my best."
"I always clean and polish my shoes.."Before my very long walk.
"But by the time I get here........."They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."
My heart filled with pain............ and I swallowed to hide my tears.
As he continued to apologize......... For daring to sit so near.
He said, "When I get here..........."I know I must look a sight.
"But I thought if I could touch you.."Then maybe our souls might unite."
I was silent for a moment............ Knowing whatever was said
Would pale in comparison... I spoke from my heart, not my head.
"Oh, you've touched me," I said......"And taught me, in part;
"That the best of any man............"Is what is found in his heart."
The rest, I thought,................. This shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.
I got there and sat.............. In a pew just in time.
Bowing my head in prayer......... As I closed my eyes.
I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I sighed.
With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, "Why must our soles touch?"
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him much.
A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought, "This man with the shoes.. has no pride.
They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!"
"Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on.
The shoe man said............... a quiet "Amen."
I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were on his shoes again.
Aren't we supposed to look our best.. When walking through that door?
"Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, Glancing toward the floor.
Then the prayer was ended............ And the songs of praise began.
The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he sang.
His voice lifted the rafters......... His hands were raised high.
The Lord could surely hear.. The shoe man's voice from the sky.
It was time for the offering......... And what I threw in was steep.
I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep.
I saw what was pulled out............ What the shoe man put in.
Then I heard a soft "clink" . as when silver hits tin.
The sermon really bored me.......... To tears, and that's no lie
It was the same for the shoe man..... For tears fell from his eyes.
At the end of the service........ As is the custom here.
We must greet new visitors.. And show them all good cheer.
But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet the shoe man.
So after the closing prayer.......... I reached over and shook his hand.
He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess.
But I thanked him for coming......... For being our guest.
He said, "My names' Charlie.......... I'm glad to meet you, my friend."
There were tears in his eyes......... But he had a large, wide grin.
"Let me explain," he said........... Wiping tears from his eyes.
"I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to say 'Hi.'"
"I know that my appearance........."Is not like all the rest.
"But I really do try................."To always look my best."
"I always clean and polish my shoes.."Before my very long walk.
"But by the time I get here........."They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."
My heart filled with pain............ and I swallowed to hide my tears.
As he continued to apologize......... For daring to sit so near.
He said, "When I get here..........."I know I must look a sight.
"But I thought if I could touch you.."Then maybe our souls might unite."
I was silent for a moment............ Knowing whatever was said
Would pale in comparison... I spoke from my heart, not my head.
"Oh, you've touched me," I said......"And taught me, in part;
"That the best of any man............"Is what is found in his heart."
The rest, I thought,................. This shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.
AMEN, ANDY ROONEY!
Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry a_ _(bottom) if you threaten them, after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop! " in English, see the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document, and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made, and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough...
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry a_ _(bottom) if you threaten them, after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop! " in English, see the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document, and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made, and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough...
Nobel Facts
The following are true facts and verified statistics:
The Global Islamic population is approximately 1,200,000,000 or 20% of the world population. They received the following Nobel Prizes:
Literature
1988 - Najib Mahfooz.
Peace:
1978 - Mohamed Anwar El-Sadat
1994 - Yaser Arafat
Physics:
1990 - Elias James Corey
1999 - Ahmed Zewail
Medicine:
1960 - Peter Brian Medawar
1998 - Ferid Mourad
The Global Jewish Population is aproximately 14,000,000 or about 0.02% of the world population. They received the following Nobel Prizes:
Literature:
1910 - Paul Heyse
1927 - Henri Bergson
1958 - Boris Pasternak
1966 - Shmuel Yosef Agnon
1966 - Nelly Sachs
1976 - Saul Bellow
1978 - Isaac Bashevis Singer
1981 - Elias Canetti
1987 - Joseph Brodsky
1991 - Nadine Gordimer World
Peace:
1911 - Alfred Fried
1911 - Tobias Michael Carel Asser
1968 - Rene Cassin
1973 - Henry Kissinger
1978 - Menachem Begin
1986 - Elie Wiesel
1994 - Shimon Peres
1994 - Yitzhak Rabin
Physics:
1905 - Adolph Von Baeyer
1906 - Henri Moissan
1910 - Otto Wallach
1915 - Richard Willstaetter
1918 - Fritz Haber
1943 - George Charles de Hevesy
1961 - Melvin Calvin
1962 - Max Ferdinand Perutz
1972 - William Howard Stein
1977 - Ilya Prigogine
1979 - Herbert Charle s Brown
1980 - Paul Berg
1980 - Walter Gilbert
1981 - Roald Hoffmann
1982 - Aaron Klug
1985 - Albert A. Hauptman
1985 - Jerome Karle
1986 - Dudley R. Herschbach
1988 - Robert Huber
1989 - Sidney Altman
1992 - Rudolph Marcus
2000 - Alan J. Heeger
Economics:
1970 - Paul Anthony Samuelson
1971 - Simon Kuznets
1972 - Kenneth Joseph Arrow
1975 - Leonid Kantorovich
1976 - Milton Friedman
1978 - Herbert A. Simon
1980 - Lawrence Robert Klein
1985 - Franco Modigliani
1987 - Robert M. Solow
1990 - Harry Markowitz
1990 - Merton Miller
1992 - Gary Becker
1993 - Robert Fogel
Medicine:
1908 - Elie Metchnikoff
1908 - Paul Erlich
1914 - Robert Barany
1922 - Otto Meyerhof
1930 - Karl Landsteiner
1931 - Otto Warburg
1936 - Otto Loewi
1944 - Joseph Erlanger
1944 - Herbert Spencer Gasser
1945 - Ernst Boris Chain
1946 - Hermann Joseph Muller
1950 - Tadeus Reichstein
1952 - Selman Abraham Waksman
1953 - Hans Krebs
1953 - Fritz Albert Lipmann
1958 - Joshua Lederberg
1959 - Arthur Kornberg
1964 - Konrad Bloch
1965 - Francois Jacob
1965 - Andre Lwoff
1967 - George Wald
1968 - Marshall W. Nirenberg
1969 - Salvador Luria
1970 - Julius Axelrod
1970 - Sir Bernard Katz
1972 - Gerald Maurice Edelman
1975 - Howard Martin Temin
1976 - Baruch S. Blumberg
1977 - Roselyn Sussman Yalow
1978 - Daniel Nathans
1980 - Baruj Benacerraf
1984 - Cesar Milstein
1985 - Michael Stuart Brown
1985 - Joseph L. Goldstein
1986 - Stanley Cohen [& Rita Levi-Montalcini]
1988 - Gertrude Elion
1989 - Harold Varmus
1991 - Erwin Neher
1991 - Bert Sakmann
1993 - Richard J. Roberts
1993 - Phillip Sharp
1994 - Alfred Gilman
1995 - Edward B. Lewis
Physics:
1907 - Albert Abraham Michelson
1908 - Gabriel Lippmann
1921 - Albert Einstein
1922 - Niels Bohr
1925 - James Franck
1925 - Gustav Hertz
1943 - Gustav Stern
1944 - Isidor Issac Rabi
1952 - Felix Bloch
1954 - Max Born
1958 - Igor Tamm
1959 - Emilio Segre
1960 - Donald A. Glaser
1961 - Robert Hofstadter
1962 - Lev Davidovich Landau
1965 - Richard Phillips Feynman
1965 - Julian Schwinger
1969 - Murray Gell-Mann
1971 - Dennis Gabor
1973 - Brian David Josephson
1975 - Benjamin Mottleson
1976 - Burton Richter
1978 - Arno Allan Penzias
1978 - Peter L Kapitza
1979 - Stephen Weinberg
1979 - Sheldon Glashow
1988 - Leon Lederman
1988 - Melvin Schwartz
1988 - Jack Steinberger
1990 - Jerome Friedman
1995 - Martin Perl
The Jews are not demonstrating with their dead on the streets, yelling and chanting and asking for revenge, the Jews are not promoting brain washing the children in military training camps, teaching them how to blow themselves up and cause maximum deaths of Jews and other non Muslims.
The Jews don't highjack planes, nor kill athletes at the Olympics.
The Jews don't traffic slaves, nor have leaders calling for Jihad and death to all the Infidels.
The Jews don't have the economical strength of the Petroleum, nor the possibilities to force the world's media to see "their side" of the question.
Perhaps if the world's Muslims could invest more in normal education and less in blaming the Jews for all their problems, we could all live in a better world.
The Global Islamic population is approximately 1,200,000,000 or 20% of the world population. They received the following Nobel Prizes:
Literature
1988 - Najib Mahfooz.
Peace:
1978 - Mohamed Anwar El-Sadat
1994 - Yaser Arafat
Physics:
1990 - Elias James Corey
1999 - Ahmed Zewail
Medicine:
1960 - Peter Brian Medawar
1998 - Ferid Mourad
The Global Jewish Population is aproximately 14,000,000 or about 0.02% of the world population. They received the following Nobel Prizes:
Literature:
1910 - Paul Heyse
1927 - Henri Bergson
1958 - Boris Pasternak
1966 - Shmuel Yosef Agnon
1966 - Nelly Sachs
1976 - Saul Bellow
1978 - Isaac Bashevis Singer
1981 - Elias Canetti
1987 - Joseph Brodsky
1991 - Nadine Gordimer World
Peace:
1911 - Alfred Fried
1911 - Tobias Michael Carel Asser
1968 - Rene Cassin
1973 - Henry Kissinger
1978 - Menachem Begin
1986 - Elie Wiesel
1994 - Shimon Peres
1994 - Yitzhak Rabin
Physics:
1905 - Adolph Von Baeyer
1906 - Henri Moissan
1910 - Otto Wallach
1915 - Richard Willstaetter
1918 - Fritz Haber
1943 - George Charles de Hevesy
1961 - Melvin Calvin
1962 - Max Ferdinand Perutz
1972 - William Howard Stein
1977 - Ilya Prigogine
1979 - Herbert Charle s Brown
1980 - Paul Berg
1980 - Walter Gilbert
1981 - Roald Hoffmann
1982 - Aaron Klug
1985 - Albert A. Hauptman
1985 - Jerome Karle
1986 - Dudley R. Herschbach
1988 - Robert Huber
1989 - Sidney Altman
1992 - Rudolph Marcus
2000 - Alan J. Heeger
Economics:
1970 - Paul Anthony Samuelson
1971 - Simon Kuznets
1972 - Kenneth Joseph Arrow
1975 - Leonid Kantorovich
1976 - Milton Friedman
1978 - Herbert A. Simon
1980 - Lawrence Robert Klein
1985 - Franco Modigliani
1987 - Robert M. Solow
1990 - Harry Markowitz
1990 - Merton Miller
1992 - Gary Becker
1993 - Robert Fogel
Medicine:
1908 - Elie Metchnikoff
1908 - Paul Erlich
1914 - Robert Barany
1922 - Otto Meyerhof
1930 - Karl Landsteiner
1931 - Otto Warburg
1936 - Otto Loewi
1944 - Joseph Erlanger
1944 - Herbert Spencer Gasser
1945 - Ernst Boris Chain
1946 - Hermann Joseph Muller
1950 - Tadeus Reichstein
1952 - Selman Abraham Waksman
1953 - Hans Krebs
1953 - Fritz Albert Lipmann
1958 - Joshua Lederberg
1959 - Arthur Kornberg
1964 - Konrad Bloch
1965 - Francois Jacob
1965 - Andre Lwoff
1967 - George Wald
1968 - Marshall W. Nirenberg
1969 - Salvador Luria
1970 - Julius Axelrod
1970 - Sir Bernard Katz
1972 - Gerald Maurice Edelman
1975 - Howard Martin Temin
1976 - Baruch S. Blumberg
1977 - Roselyn Sussman Yalow
1978 - Daniel Nathans
1980 - Baruj Benacerraf
1984 - Cesar Milstein
1985 - Michael Stuart Brown
1985 - Joseph L. Goldstein
1986 - Stanley Cohen [& Rita Levi-Montalcini]
1988 - Gertrude Elion
1989 - Harold Varmus
1991 - Erwin Neher
1991 - Bert Sakmann
1993 - Richard J. Roberts
1993 - Phillip Sharp
1994 - Alfred Gilman
1995 - Edward B. Lewis
Physics:
1907 - Albert Abraham Michelson
1908 - Gabriel Lippmann
1921 - Albert Einstein
1922 - Niels Bohr
1925 - James Franck
1925 - Gustav Hertz
1943 - Gustav Stern
1944 - Isidor Issac Rabi
1952 - Felix Bloch
1954 - Max Born
1958 - Igor Tamm
1959 - Emilio Segre
1960 - Donald A. Glaser
1961 - Robert Hofstadter
1962 - Lev Davidovich Landau
1965 - Richard Phillips Feynman
1965 - Julian Schwinger
1969 - Murray Gell-Mann
1971 - Dennis Gabor
1973 - Brian David Josephson
1975 - Benjamin Mottleson
1976 - Burton Richter
1978 - Arno Allan Penzias
1978 - Peter L Kapitza
1979 - Stephen Weinberg
1979 - Sheldon Glashow
1988 - Leon Lederman
1988 - Melvin Schwartz
1988 - Jack Steinberger
1990 - Jerome Friedman
1995 - Martin Perl
The Jews are not demonstrating with their dead on the streets, yelling and chanting and asking for revenge, the Jews are not promoting brain washing the children in military training camps, teaching them how to blow themselves up and cause maximum deaths of Jews and other non Muslims.
The Jews don't highjack planes, nor kill athletes at the Olympics.
The Jews don't traffic slaves, nor have leaders calling for Jihad and death to all the Infidels.
The Jews don't have the economical strength of the Petroleum, nor the possibilities to force the world's media to see "their side" of the question.
Perhaps if the world's Muslims could invest more in normal education and less in blaming the Jews for all their problems, we could all live in a better world.
A Golfing Story!
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"Your thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senior...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE
"Ernesto........ if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"Your thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senior...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE
"Ernesto........ if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
Be careful what you wish for!
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
" Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
" Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
So True
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. She said, "Now your boots are on the right feet!"
He then announced, "These aren't my boots.."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. She said, "Now your boots are on the right feet!"
He then announced, "These aren't my boots.."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
An Aussie Poem...... for boys at last
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.
Da blonde guy
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Mid-life Crisis
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...........
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed...........
Aboriginal Eggs
Two Aboriginal lads are riding along Oxley Road on a motorbike. Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has to leave. "Heyyy bloke" they say "gissa pucken lift eh". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back, would he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he sarcastically replies "Aboriginal Eggs".
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
The Officer replies: "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it. Two have already hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has to leave. "Heyyy bloke" they say "gissa pucken lift eh". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.
The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back, would he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he sarcastically replies "Aboriginal Eggs".
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
The Officer replies: "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it. Two have already hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".
08 September 2006
Because I'm A Man
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem._________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing._________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together._________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly).
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you\'re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men....Adios.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you\'re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
_________________________________________
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men....Adios.
The Australian Taxation Office
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to carry out an audit of the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these matzo (flat bread eaten at Passover) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzos.
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on," what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dickhead."
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these matzo (flat bread eaten at Passover) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzos.
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on," what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dickhead."
Bush Joke
George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil."You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil let him to the next room.
In it was British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for awhile and finally said, "Yeah I could handle this."
The devil smiled and said "Monica you're free to go"
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil let him to the next room.
In it was British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for awhile and finally said, "Yeah I could handle this."
The devil smiled and said "Monica you're free to go"
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