Tower Talk

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

****

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a

727?"

****

Heard from an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take off queue:

"I'm f**ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f**ing bored, not f**ing stupid!"

****

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

***

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the

Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

***

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

****

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

***

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...we've already notified our caterers."

***

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

***

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United

727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Strange Houses

If this is the outhouse then you sure better be awake when you have to go. . . . . .he he he

Rich peoples dog house. . . . .

This one is neat.....

This is what I call a play house for kids. . . .bet they love it.

A real cat house!

Freaky

What a view . . . . Would love to see this one

This is a real tree house.

Artist must live in this one

Bet he worked on a train

What an odd one............ Would like to see this one

Hope you enjoyed them as much as I did.

Bored Graphic Designers and the Power of Computers

From your Staff Development Officer

We have to show that any courses we go on help to improve our school. At the end of any course please complete your “Post course review sheet”. This could also help when you apply for threshold increases. Meanwhile in order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your SDO. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR of INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

SDO

Genuine Extracts of Letters to North Tyneside Council

“I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.”

“The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.”

“The toilet is cracked, where do I stand?”

“I am writing on behalf of my sink which is running away from the wall.”

“I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.”

“I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”

“Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”

“Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done, as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.”

“I want some repairs doing to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.”

“My toilet is blocked and we can’t bathe the children until it is cleared.”

“The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.”

“Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped and fell on it and is now pregnant.”

“Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you send someone to do something about it?”

“Could you please repair our toilet, as my son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.”

“Will you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.”

“Will you please send a man to look at my water as it is a funny colour and is not fit to drink.”

“I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.”

“This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC 2.”

Sequential Time

Please remember, on May 4th, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be:

01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't happen again for a long time.

Hints on Pronunciation

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through!
Well done! And now you wish perhaps
To learn of more familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird,
And dead: it’s said like bed, not bead,
For Goodness’ sake, don’t call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother,
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there’s does and rose and lose,
Just look them up: and goose and choose

And cork and work and word and ward
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go and thwart and cart -
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive -
I’d mastered it when I was five!

Pea Sea

Eye have a spelling chequer.
It came with my pea sea:
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss takes eye can knot sea.

Eye strike the quays and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather I am rite oar wrong.
It shows me straight aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long,
And eye can put the error rite:
It’s rare lea ever wrong.

I’ve run this poem threw it,
Eye am shore yore pleas two no.
It’s letter perfect in its weigh.
My chequer tolled me sew.

How Cars are Recovered in Ireland

“Moichael, we’ve got a car ta pull out.”

“Ay Seamus, we’ll pull ‘er up directly.”

“Moichael, can yer crane hold ‘er?”
“Seamus me lad, don’t be worryin’ now”

“Oh Shoit”

“Moichael, get outta the water and go get a bigger crane.”
“Roight, Seamus. I will”

“Foine work Michael. No problem”

“Great”

“Now fer da crane Seamus. Up she comes.”

“Easy does it now”

“Oh *##* it Moichael.

Anagrams

An anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding:

Dormitory = Dirty Room
Presbyterian = Best In Prayer
Astronomer = Moon Starer
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Eyes = They See
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost In Me
Animosity = Is No Amity
Election Results = Lies - Let's Recount
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it

And lastly, from the moon, Neil A. Armstrong:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
Becomes:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride; pins flag on moon, left planet. On to Mars!"

500 Penguins go to the Zoo

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.

The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The new truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

Speed Limits

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back--wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 119."

Hands-free driving defence: I'm blonde

PWLLHELI, Wales, March 9 (UPI)

A traffic court in Wales has ignored the "I'm blonde" defense plea of a woman charged with driving with no hands while applying make-up.

Donna Maddock, 22, was captured on videotape by a police anti-speeding van on the A499 highway in north Wales, said to be one of the most dangerous roads in Britain.

"It is what I would call one of my blonde moments," Maddock told The Sun. "It's something all women do -- I can't see what the fuss is about."

Maddock used part of her left arm to steer the car and her left hand to hold her make-up, while she applied eye-shadow with her right hand.

"All my friends think it's hilarious and have admitted to me they have done exactly the same. They've just never been caught," she said.

On top of a driving suspension she received for drunk driving last week, she was fined $235.

© Copyright 2006 United Press International, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Chinese Sick Leave - "I No Come Work Today!!!"

Hung Chow called into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Burger

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blonde serving drinks to a meagre looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies: "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger!"

Single black female

Keep Ya Smiling

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Please scroll down

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane
Society about an 8-week-old Labrador retriever.

John the Farmer

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't looking!

Useless fact for today

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T. " , (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I, I always thought it was a golf term.