Feelin' Good

The Seph' man is feeling good. I have finally got my sword resharpened, and have trained with it. My previous depressions have all came and gone all at once. I feel good now, but must thank the various people who have helped me these difficult weeks. Glitch for one :)
My advice if you feel down, is to think about the people who care about u, your family, your friends, and smile. If you ever feel down, think that you are never alone, because you are always in peoples hearts. Look at me, practising with the rejuvenated sword - i kick ASS! FEEL GOOD peope. Oh, and my reviews will continue soon, my laptop has been palying up, disabling me from the net for a few days

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.
I told you so..... And there's nothing you can do about it

Catholic Horse Races

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure

enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every penny, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings too, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

If My Body Were a Car

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

To Our Friends

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse. But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.

Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.

As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she will not lead him astray.


Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

Relax RSM

A crusty old RSM found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, RSM, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the RSM said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The RSM just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The RSM looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The RSM, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to
take a shower. I realised that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"

I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replies, (scroll down, it's worth it)

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"

Jihad?

Interesting this appears to sum up what we are faced with.

Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in Canada and the
United States especially in the minority races.

Allah or Jesus? By: Rick Mathes

Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my state prison security clearance.

During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their belief systems.

I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video.

After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers. When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked:

"Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is a command to all Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"

There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, "Non-believers!"

I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?"

The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

He sheepishly replied, "Yes."

I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr. Stanley ordering Protestants to do the same in order to go to Heaven.

The Imam was speechless.

I continued, "I also have problem with being your friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me.

Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to Heaven and He wants you to be with me?"

You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.

Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the 'Diversification' training seminar were not happy with Rick's way of dealing with the Islamic Imam and exposing the truth about the Muslim's beliefs.

This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well known leader in prison ministry.

Don't Stop Laughing Now!

An older couple decide to go to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember things.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going"?
"To the kitchen," he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream"?
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it," he said.

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write that down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like some whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down," she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it. Leave me alone. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake." Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast"?!!

Woolies

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs £20.00 .a lot quicker than a doctor. "

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies.

He deposits £20.00 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Woolies."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits £20.00, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor).
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies!

Jimmy

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the Pool.

The Parrot....

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the £20,000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that " "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.

"THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over.... " Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Aircraft Mishaps

WOW! look it's a plane.. :-)

(An Actual Cross Wind Landing)

Do I really need the left landing gear assembly?

IN COMING!!!!! (New Kama Kazi Boarder Patrol)

I hate when I do that!

Roger That Houston .. .. . Overheating On Port Engine

In Asia everything bows! Doing a gear check on an EVA 747

oops... wrong button

I swear Officer he backed into me!

Hang in there baby!!

Hey it looked hard! (Cessna Submarine)

WHOOPSIE DAISY!!

Senior Breakfast Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked
incredulously.

"YES!!" ----

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS. They've been around the block more than once.

Talking Dog

A sign in front of a house reads: "Talking Dog for sale."

A passer-by rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Border Collie sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Collie replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Collie looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work; mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t."

How to tell if you're driving too fast???

Don't Lick Envelopes!

A pretty horrible story - comes with a dire warning, so pay attention!

---------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was working in a post office in California. One day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge.

That very day the lady cut her tongue on the envelope.

A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was not sore or anything.

A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore,
that she could not eat.

She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done.

The doctor took an x-ray of her tongue and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery.

When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live cockroach crawled out!!!!

There were roach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist...

This is a true story reported on CNN

Andy Hume wrote:

Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the
things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't
licked an envelope for years!" I used to work for a print shop (32
years ago) and we were told NEVER to lick the envelopes. I never
understood why until I had to go into storage and pull out 2500
envelopes that were already printed for a customer who was doing a
mailing and saw several squads of roaches roaming around inside a
couple of boxes with eggs everywhere. They eat the glue on the
envelopes.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON, TO YOUR FRIENDS. After reading this you will
never lick another envelope or stamp again.

Impossible Photo

Use Scroll button to view the photo

FF8 Review 2day!

Hello again, today my game of choice is FF8, released 1999, still the biggest selling FF game to date, partially due to the game itself, and also from a host of new fans from the fantastic success of FF7.

Graphics: Absolutely fantastic. The characters are well rendered, the backgrounds are realistically defined. The FMV’s are better than FF7’s, which was hard to do.
SCORE: 10/10
Gameplay: Some people may find the start of the game a little frustrating, in order to get a decent SeeD rank, but once you get past this then you begin to get into the true spirit of the game.
SCORE: 8.5/10
Story: Very good. At first it focuses on the Seed mission, but even from the very start that intense rivalry between Squall and Seifer is evident. Probably, the best opening sequence of any FF, EVER, before or since.
SCORE: 10/10
Longevity: 4 disks, taking about 80 hours of your time, need I say any more?
SCORE: 10/10
Originality: Well, a lot of it came from FF7, but there were a plethora of features that were new as well – the junction system for one. Drawing magic was a good idea as well. Music was really good again, the first song being one of the best I ever heard.
SCORE: 8/10
Overall Score: 10+8.5+10+10+8 = 46.5/50
Adjustments: Gonna award extra half point, purely for the fact that watchin Squall throughout the whole story reflects my own life well.

Final Score: 47/50

Remember, “I will never just be a memory”

Sephiroth

FF7 - Review

Today comes the first review, which for cohesion is FF7. This is seen by many as the best in the series, even today. It was released in 1997, and was the biggest RPG story of the year. Since then, there have been calls to release sequels and so forth. These prayers have been answered in different ways. For me it has to be Dirge of Cerberus on the PS2. Here is the review for the game:

Graphics: At the time, the movies were fantastic. Transitions could be slightly slow, but not really noticeable. Graphics in-game were very good, except for the characters themselves, who were slightly angular, but still loveable.
SCORE: 8.5/10
Gameplay: The game is relatively easy for most for the first couple of hours, which is good for a game like this, but the natural curve of difficulty as the game progresses is also well-thought out.
SCORE: 9.5/10
Story: It grabs you from the very beginning. The story of blowing up the reactor, with the “evil of ShinRa” hanging over the world gives you the incentive to kick some ass. By the end of disc 1, this has all been forgotten, but you are stuck in the fate of the world. Truly, one of the storylines of its era.
SCORE: 10/10
Longevity: 3 disks, spanning about 80-100 hours of Gameplay, none of which is boring the first time round. It feels good to play it a second time round, to see all of the movies again, and watch as the story unfolds, knowing certain bits when the very first clues are mentioned.
SCORE: 10/10
Originality: What can you say: One of the first true RPG’s to appear in 3-D, and the movies where truly the first of their kind. Soundtrack fantastic too.
SCORE: 9/10
Overall Score: 8.5+9.5+10+10+9 = 46/50
Adjustments: Gonna award an extra 2 points, as it has held up against newer games for many years. Music is FANTASTIC as well.

Final Score: 48/50

Remember, “I will never just be a memory”

Sephiroth

Review Rules 1

Following on from my lecture on FF7, I follow on with a continuing feature for the next few contributions. I will take all of the FF series, and review them each on the following criteria, in order to have comparison. Note that on certain categories, respect must be given to the differing technological levels of the various consoles involved. The criteria are as follows:
Graphics: Self explanatory, how good does the game look – e.g. characters, backgrounds, CGI’s.
Gameplay: How well does the game play? Are the controls easy to understand, are the cameras well placed, and so on…
Story: How well does the story grip you? Does it take to that gaming nirvana, where all becomes non-existent for long periods of time.
Longevity: How long does the game last? Can it be re-played again with a similar level of excitement? Side-quests, secret bosses…
Originality: What has it added to the series, and to RPG’s in general? Features that you wouldn’t have thought of that are fantastic…
Final Score: Rated out of 50, total accumulated from marks out of 10 for each category. Final score can be tipped up or down by up to 3 points, for extra features etc.

First review to follow soon :)

Remember, “I will never just be a memory”

Sephiroth

Reviews Begin here!!!

I open this contribution with a question. Who out there loves Final Fantasy? I do, if you haven’t already guessed. But 7 isn’t my favourite. I challenge people not to love the older games in the series. As I write this, I am listening to MIDI music soundtracks from FF4-6, in all of their glory. The big debates over FF7 have all opened up again with the arrival of Final Fantasy (7): Advent Children on these shores. There are also games to come, the most exciting of these being FF7: Dirge of Cerberus on PS2. Why has it been so long? FF7 was released in 1997, and ever since then, we have wanted MORE!!!!!

Aside from this, I would also recommend the following up and coming games for your enjoyment: Final Fantasy XII (obviously); Kingdom Hearts II; Dirge of Cerberus and the recently released Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion .

Finally, an update. I have been feeling a lil better recently, but have found a way to release stress. Late at night, if I feel down, I will hide myself down by the university Loch, around midnight. The tranquility allows my thoughts to come out much more clearly. The sights are beautiful, even at night.

Once again, reporting for Quahog news, from the loch side, in the ghetto.

Sephiroth

The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome."

"So, how are you getting there"?

"We're flying on Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late."

"So, where are you staying in Rome"?

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Trieste..."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive. But it's really a dump. The worst hotel in the whole city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced."

"So, whatcha doing when you get there"?

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're sure going to need it."

A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was absolutely wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only did we arrive on time in one of Continental's brand new jets, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel. It was fabulous! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job and now it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser. "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say"?

He said, "Where did you get that horrible haircut"?

Last Laugh

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep"? asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring"?

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that"? asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Irish Jokes

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad,
roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it ain't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What............., he had two arseholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four". "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over, I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

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Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed at the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For ****sake, you b*stard, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

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"You are charged with beating your Wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the
courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

WHOA!!

Tech Support

Tech support: “What kind of computer do you have?”
Female customer: “A white one...”

===============

Customer: “Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.”
Tech support: “Have you tried pushing the button?”
Customer: “Yes, sure, it's really stuck.”
Tech support: “That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.”
Customer: “No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...”

===============

Tech support: “Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.”
Customer: “Your left or my left?”

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Tech support: “Good day. How may I help you?”
Male customer: “Hello... I can't print.”

Tech support: “Would you click on "start" for me and...”
Customer: “Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!”

===============

Customer: “Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...”

===============

Customer: “I have problems printing in red...”
Tech support: “Do you have a colour printer?”
Customer: “Aaaah....................thank you.”

===============

Tech support: “What's on your monitor now, ma'am?”
Customer: “A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.”

===============

Customer: “My keyboard is not working anymore.”
Tech support: “Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?”
Customer: “No. I can't get behind the computer.”
Tech support: “Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.”
Customer: “OK.”
Tech support: “Did the keyboard come with you?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Tech support: “That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?”
Customer: “Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...”

===============

Tech support: “Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.”
Customer: “Is that 7 in capital letters?”

===============

Customer: “I can't get on the Internet.”
Tech support: “Are you sure you used the right password?”
Customer: “Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.”
Tech support: “Can you tell me what the password was?”
Customer: “Five stars.”

==============

Tech support: “What anti-virus program do you use?”
Customer: “Netscape.”
Tech support: “That's not an anti-virus program.”
Customer: “Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.”

===============

Customer: “I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.”

===============

Tech support: “How may I help you?”
Customer: “I'm writing my first e-mail.”
Tech support: “OK, and what seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?”

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: “Are you running it under windows?”
Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.”

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: “Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don't have a P.”
Tech support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech support: “”P”.....on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!”

Da Vinci Code

Hi Folks

I've heard of the Da Vinci Code but this is the first time I've seen a sample!!

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to the first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey. So they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......

It says: “Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick”

You know you live in 2006 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don’t have a screen name or a myspace.

4.) You’d rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv.

6.) Your boss doesn’t even have the ability to do your job.

7.) You read this list, & keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You actually scrolled back up to check that there was a number 5.

11.) & now you’re laughing at your stupidity.

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon on hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly!

Gonna Be A Bear

Depression+

I'm back, feeling a lil better, but still not 100%. Today i bring wisdom on the ways of being a student. We all get hankered for the way we are, but not many people see the genuine work we do, they just see us partying through the nightb till we get more and more inebriated. With this in mind, i beg students to re-iterate this point to anyone caught stereotyping us, taking a minute to observe the way we really are. Here are 5 important rules to observe if you yourself are students (like us bloggers):

1. DO make sure work is done. keep track of every task, no matter how small. it may come back to bite you on the ass later.

2. Money is finite. Don't be either too frivilous or too tight. Have fun cheaply - IT IS POSSIBLE!

3. Make friends, even if only a few, cause these are the people who you will know for a long, long time, even after you have left uni.

4. Try to eat and drink healthily, or at least no worse than before. I found it hard eating sometimes as there isn't even reasonably healthy stuff available.

5. Attend as many lectures and tutorials as possible of course, but don't panic if you miss one every so often. They are designed to be slow enough to allow people a little catch-up time.

Bear in mind however that these rules are vague. For example, my one vice is a loving of Irn-Bru and Coca-Cola, but lets face it, there are much, much worse things than that in the worry.

Returning from the Abyss, reporting for Quahog News

Sephiroth