Be-ware

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace ... Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that... I
don't think you should make him mad!"

"Rubbish," Replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion.

A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed.

When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

13 Differences between Women and Men...

1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats!

7. FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. FINAL THOUGHT:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

Men are smarter than Women. Fact.

A beautiful woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "You are perfection, I must have you right now!

I'll drop £100 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have had my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her friend on her mobile phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said, "He's an idiot, take it cos when he drops the £100 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he even gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady had still not called back so her friend called her, "Well? What happened?" the friend asked.

The lady said, "It was in 50 pence coins"

New Mint Flavoured Birth Control Pill

The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavoured birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called....

"Pre-dick-a-mints!"

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note: These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour! Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

It can be told in church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about
this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

##############

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

###############

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem. They give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing! My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song. They give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

##############

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

##############

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

##############

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy
answered, "Thou shall not kill."

#############

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the
matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

###########

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all
this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus
turned out. It's probably just your Dad.

The Message

Osama Bin Laden decided to personally send a handwritten note to George Bush to let him know that talk of his demise was premature and that he was still around.

Bush opened the letter and it had a single piece of paper with a single coded message which read:

370HSSV - 0773H

Bush was baffled (No Surprise There Then !!) so he sent an e-mail to Condo
Rice. She nor any of her staff could decipher the Code either (N S T T
again).

So they sent copies to the FBI. No one there could crack the code so they passed it to CIA and NASA who still could not solve the problem.

In desperation they sent a copy to Britain's MI6 and within minutes they
e-mailed the White House:

"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down!!"

Some Random Images

Bottomless eh?

I always knew those assistants had it in for me!

The 'Missing Link'?

A new version of Windows!

Yeah, thanks for driving carefully?

The great lengths some cats go to scare fish

Sexual Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor of sexual harassment in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Firemen - and women

A fireman is polishing a fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That's a lovely fire engine," says the fireman admiringly.

"Thanks," says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

"Little colleague," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.

The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the cart, at
the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes
and says...

...




...




...




...



"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren,
would I?"

Cocktails and blondes

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself;

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Blonde: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Blonde: "No, they open!"

Blonde on honeymoon

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent." In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

Idle Thoughts

(E-8) Some Idle Thoughts (based on Logic?) from BM Nov 26/05

(1) I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

(2) I had amnesia once -- or was it twice.

(3) I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

(4) Apparently Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

(5) All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

(6) If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.

(7) What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts supposed to be free?

(8) They told me I was gullible ... and do you know what, I believed them.

(9) Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

(10) Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

(11) Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

(12) One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

(13) A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

(14) My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies from time to time.

(15) I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

(16) The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

(17) How can there be self-help "groups"?

(18) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

(19) Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

(20) Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste a lot like chicken?

They just had to be from America!

BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2005:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [He probably IS the battery charge]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [Did I read that sign right?]

We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling

Our Hero

Prime Minister Tony Blair was invited to address a major gathering of the Canadian Indian Nation two weeks ago in Northern Canada.

He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native's present standard of living, should he be re-elected for another term. He also referred to his career as Finance Minister.

Although the Prime Minister was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Prime Minister then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs as to how they came to select the new name given to the Prime Minister.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.

The Original Computer

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy . .

. . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

Who said men don't have a sensitive side?

A woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly-regarded restaurant. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving
together.

They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that
his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. Three
wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of them...carefully
placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized covering the
entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way all along the top shelf. Quite the display!

She found it strange for a man (who was clearly straight) to have such a large collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention it out loud, being really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side. All the while thinking to herself, Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the one - maybe he could be the father my children!"

She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's clothes
off and make hot, steamy love.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy - lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly. She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?" And he says.....

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Bark Code??

Important Things to Ponder

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHEAmerican Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-classVenus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT in VINEGAR!The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson ClintonAnd the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)